Friday, February 27, 2009

Surrender part 2

This morning I engaged a friend in conversation about my previous post of surrendering vs submission. I think I totally blew it the first time. I examined it from a Dominant's perspective and not a submissives. She enlightened me on the submissive side of this topic. To her surrender is not giving herself up to another, but to herself. Surrendering to who/what she is. Surrendering to her feelings. Discovering she is a submissive and subcoming to that. Surrender through discovery.

In a sense I have surrendered myself to being a Dominant. I discovered many years ago about this lifestyle. I did some reading, talking with others, even personal exploration as a Dominant and as a submissive. I didn't know where I fit in, so I explored. It was at my first play party that someone confirmed what I felt and believed, that I was Dominant and not submissive. That I was not a switch. I was all Dominant and will always be Dominant. So I surrendered to my true feelings, my true calling as a Dominant.

In this sense surrendering is a subconscious act. Giving in to yourself and who you are. Many times a natural submissive will discover this lifestyle and it brings a feeling of being complete to their life. Or a natural Dominant for that matter. For example, I was just chatting with a friend yesterday, who is in this lifestyle and she commented about cooking dinner and being a friend to another younger submissive. She commented, "that's the mother hen in me" A typical natural response to life, then discovered, that there is a name for that. Submission.

My final thought is this. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I am/was stupid for not thinking of this. When I was originally asked to blog about this, I was closed/narrow minded and only could think of the negative aspect of it. Instead, I did not consider the positive side. Thank you for telling me the positive side. It is nice to have friends.

I am always willing to listen, converse, banter, debate etc with someone as long as it is done in an intelligent manner. Please, do not be afraid to message me or comment on any of my postings. After all, I don't bite...... hard.

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Effective punishment

Last night I was thinking about how to be effective and achieve the desired result when punishing someone in this lifestyle. A couple of weeks ago I met a new friend. She is very new to the lifestyle and I have been offering some advice and guidance to her. Steering her away from the trolls, the fakes and the abusers. During that time she has asked me several questions, advice and even asked if I would show her somethings. I am always willing to discuss this lifestyle with anyone. Especially the new ones who are just finding themselves but have too many questions and no answers. Some questions are as simple as, "What is a safe word?" to a little more complicated to "How do I know what I want in this lifestyle?"

One thing I have done my best to get her to understand is honesty and communication are the most important things. I truly believe a submissive should be able to openly communicate with their Dom/Domme. Without this communication, little things could be left out that could turn out to be huge issues if not discussed. I always impress on others that the only stupid question is the one you DON'T ask.

So, that brings me to this point. The other day I was texting with this new sub. She told me she was bored and was sending questions into an open posting forum on the internet. She always ask me first, "may I ask a question?" And I always respond in a positive way. "Sure" or "Ask" Well this day she tells me she has been on the forum and asked a question but was not liking the responses she was getting. I asked her what the question was and she refused to tell me. Long story short, I got upset and told her not to contact me for a couple of days. She is new and still shy in asking me questions. But don't bait me like that and then refuse to tell me.

So this brings me to the reason for this post. An effective way to administer punishment to get your point across. Many times I see a submissive act out in some way because they seek attention and "punishment" Instead of coming right out and asking for a flogging, a spanking or anything else they love and desire, they tend to act out in hopes they will get "in trouble" and achieve the result they seek. Well, in my eyes, and I think there are many of you who will agree, that this is not the way to get what you seek. Last time I checked, I am the Dominant. You will get what you want when I want to give it to you. The dog wags the tail, not the tail wagging the dog.

My most effective punishment is simply ignoring them. I am hearing a lot of teeth grinding and my monitor is filling with smoke. "I hate to be ignored!" Duh shit. That is why it is so effective. But it sure as hell gets my point across doesn't it? Being ignored once should convince you to not screw up again. Right? I thought so. Damn I love it when I am right. I know I blogged before about a different punishment with your back against the wall and 2 glasses of water. I am not saying ignoring you is my ONLY punishment I can and will use. I am saying this is the most effective. I feel the punishment should fit the crime.

Now there are times when I will and have simply whipped an ass to enforce my point but that really could not be a true punishment. For example, if you are given some basic rules to memorize and after being reminded of those rules because you "forgot" that rule, then you need re-enforcement on that or those rules.

My final thought is this. If you want/need a whipping, flogging, spanking, paddling etc, I would prefer you come to me and ask. Or better yet, beg. I love a beggar. Do not feel you should act out in hopes you will get that punishment. Again, communicate. For those of you who are keeping track of my rules. Rule #2 is communication. I use it and I expect it in return.

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Reading someone.

OMG..... ANOTHER POST??? 3 in one day?????

Yes it is. I got to thinking about the soccer mom thing and something triggered in me. There is a "soccer mom" I know and every time I see her at a ball game or out and about, I tell myself. Something about this woman intrigues me. I have a feeling she is submissive. I remember once someone telling me about biblical submission. A woman is a submissive to her husband who is defined as the lord and master of his home. Now that I think about her, I truly believe this is her. She is a beautiful mom. A MILF by definition in my book. Now I wonder if she knows anything about my kind of submission? Maybe it is time to start dropping hints and see what happens.

I am sure some of you are asking, "How does he know this? My freakdar never picks up on this." My wife asks all the times. 9 out of 10 times I am right as to whether that person is a freak or not. Call it intuition. Same as I can tell when someone is thinking about something. Its a blessing but also a curse. The ability to read another person is HUGE in this lifestyle. As a Dominant, if I am unable to read the other, how do I know to push farther, to stop or better yet, to explore?

Its not always words or a smile or even a wink. Look for facial expressions. Change in color of their skin. Their eyes. Are they fidgeting? Leg bouncing? Shallow breathing? I'm not going to give away ALL of my secretes, but the next time you are with someone, study everything about them except their words. But pay attention to what they are saying. For example "I like to spank others" coupled with a wink, or a broad car salesman smile could mean they thinking that a smack on the ass while in the doggie position is kinky. How ever, if they wink, provide a stern look, sit forward in their chair or even change the tone in their voice might indicate they are a little more in tune to the lifestyle.

My final thoughts on this subject is that you should always be aware of the person you are conversing with. Watch their body language, listen for the tone in their voice. Even look into their eyes. You never know what you will find.

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Surrendering vs submitting

Wow, whod a thunk. 2 posts in one day. Go figure.

A friend I know asked me to write about submitting versus surrendering. I will take my best shot at it. At first, the definition of surrender is as follows from Webster's

sur-ren-der  /səˈrɛndər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [suh-ren-der] Show IPA Pronunciation
–verb (used with object)
1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: to surrender the fort to the enemy; to surrender the stolen goods to the police.
2. to give (oneself) up, as to the police.
3. to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.: He surrendered himself to a life of hardship.
4. to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.).
5. to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another.

So by definition surrender is to give up, to yield. So using surrender in BDSM would tell me that you are surrendering yourself to another in power, control, etc. However submission is just the opposite. In submission, you submit to another, in a preagreed upon aspect.

Surrendering would be giving it all up. Just as #4 in the definition states, "give up, abandon or relinquish. Surrender yourself to another. You could classify surrender and slavery as the same. A slave would have no rights. No say in what is happening. No limits.

Submitting is just that, submitting to another but with limits defined and respected. I know it sounds like I am repeating myself, but obviously to my friend this is something that is troubling to her. A submissive has the rights to limits, safe words and some sort of equality with their partner.

Is it possible to surrender and submit at the same time? Well, possibly. You can surrender your submission to another, but you are still submitting to that person. If we were to flip the question and ask, "will you submit to surrendering to me?" that is a contradiction in terms.

Surrendering could be defined in many ways. Now that I take a moment and think about it. I
have a few other points. I know a couple of moms who surrender themselves to a life of house work, being a soccer mom, cooking, classroom mom etc. That doesn't make them any less then anyone else. They choose to surrender. Maybe surrender is voluntary. You are willingly to give up with no rights or say as to what will happen. Where as submit or submission is involuntary. For example, you willingly submit to another with limits. But you can surrender yourself to slavery with no limits.

I hope this helps my friend out. This is such a broad subject to talk about. With some more defined areas as to where someone is submitting or surrendering, I could be more specific.

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Today is yesterday, today is the new day.

Last week was an emotional week for me. I took some time to myself this past weekend to reflect on last week. Life is a roller coaster. At the beginning of the ride, we are on the track, slowly ascending to the top. The anticipation of what is to come is both scary and exciting. Your mouth might get dry, or your hands sweaty and clammy. I tend to look side to side and take in the scenery. Looking out over the park. Over the tree tops, see other rides, try to look down and see whats below me. Then you reach that peak. I like to sit in the back so I can watch what is ahead of me. Seeing the cars in front of me disappearing over the top of the first hill, sitting up straight, feeling the car jerk, I mumble to my self..... "Oh yea, here we go!"

Then the thrill of the ride is on, the first downhill, the speed, gravity pulling you back down and to the side. Squeezing the person next to me, that poor person. Going through the twist and turns, then back up a hill, preparing for the next downhill plunge. Maybe a loop is coming. I am guilty of grabbing the bar many times throughout the ride to hold on. Cursing, closing my eyes and sometimes saying to myself, "its only a ride, no need to be scared!" Before you know it, the ride is over. You are coming back to the start, the brakes on the ride jerking you to a top. The bar raises, you step out and look back at the car. "Did I leave anything behind? Wallet? Sunglasses? A turd? " If it is a good ride, your leg might be shaking, or your stomach is still in the loop, ready to hurl your lunch.

Our lives are like this. One event is equal to one ride. Sometimes thrilling and exciting. Sometimes it is a bore. Sometimes you hurl or it was a bad experience. But it never fails, you will feel the same each and every time that event comes around. Meeting someone new for the first time. Attending your first munch or play party. The first time you participate in a scene. Life not going your way and bringing you a bad day. Whatever it is, we all experience emotional roller coasters.

I know I started this blog as a place for me to share my experiences, thoughts, opinions and ideas. Last weeks post was more of a vent for me. Last week was a roller coaster I never want to get back on. My fear is not the ride itself. My fear is I know that is not the last time I will be on that ride. I believe in life is what you make of it. I believe we can not allow ourselves to constantly be in a negative downward spiral. We will have those times where we feel like the world is collapsing on us. When it feels like the walls are closing in. But until you stand up, put out your arms, and scream, ENOUGH!!!!!!!, life will continue to bring you down.

My final thought it this. Do not live in the past, you can not change what has already been done. Do not live in the future for we do not know what it will bring us. Live for today. Enjoy today. Learn from the past so you do not make that mistake in the future. Learn from the past so it will allow you to enjoy today. What you do today determines your tomorrow. It is time to stand up and hold your arms out. Scream. Shout. Tell those walls it is time to open up.

I know I did, and today I am proof that those walls will open up. Today is here. Yesterday is gone. Today of last week is yesterday. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Let's enjoy today.

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Today is one of those days. The average woman (what is average about a woman?) is complex enough. A submissive is worse. I get the hormonal roller coaster rides. I get the unsettled mind. I even can handle the tempers of a woman. But what I don't understand is the actual anatomy of a woman. I am not talking the good parts such as the tits, ass and kitty/pussy/cunt/twat whatever you want to call it. I am talking the other parts like the uterus and ovaries. Why is this a part that woman will have to lose? Why did God design a woman that after time she has to have a hysterectomy and lose those working parts? Is it because of the constant pounding one can take from intercourse? Monthly periods from the time she reaches puberty? I don't get it. Guys jerk their cocks constantly from their first hardon. Even when it doesn't get hard anymore guys still pull on it, hoping that one day it will and they will feel young again. But when it does get to the point of not functioning anymore, we don't have it cut off. I just don't get it.

I am writing this post as therapy for myself. You see, today, my wife went for a routine gyno check up. She leaves the Dr's office upset because the Dr states she has to have a hysterectomy. Yes, she has been having female issues for sometime. But that still goes to as why does this shit happen. She has known for sometime that this day was coming. I have known this day was coming. Does that make it easier to accept? Hell no it doesn't. Usually I am the rock, the strong one. Today, no where close. I feel like I have been hit in the face with a bazillion million mack trucks. My body is numb. My head is floating. My heart feels like it is not beating anymore. I feel..... empty. I...... I don't know anymore.....

I have talked to several friends today and they know, they can tell I am depressed. I'm not upset. I am depressed. For some reason I can not dump on them the way I am dumping in this post. This is me. My biggest fault in life is I have a hard time opening up and venting. I just cant do it. But posting here, it flows from my fingers like water from a faucet.

Usually I have a final thought, but today I don't. Today, I just want the world to stop, reverse course and start over with a different outcome. I have lived through a lot in my time. Sudden passing of my step father and step sister. Death of my grandfather. Having to make the decision to take my mom off life support. Taking a couple of dogs to the vet for the last time. But none of that compares to the way I feel right now. I have had the emotional breakdowns. I have wanted to kill. I have wanted to die. But today..... today I want it erased completely from life. Tonight I will pray. I will pray for the strength to get through this. I will pray for the speedy recovery of my wife. I will pray for the understanding. But I will also pray that God erase this day from my memory.

Today...... is almost over.

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Monday, February 9, 2009

general respect

One thing that really pisses me off is when I am having a general conversation, or getting to know someone in a vanilla sense and that person is just generally rude and disrespectful. I try my damnedest to be nice, respectful and humorous when having a conversation with someone. Just this past weekend a female friend of mine who I do lust after in a vanilla way came up to me at the party we were at and told me how nice I am to her. She knows I lust for her, but I am nice and respectful to her. Always asking how she, her husband and children are doing. How is her day etc. That was a huge compliment to me, just to have someone tell me I am nice and a pleasure to talk with.

My MO when I am getting to know a possible potential new submissive for myself is I want to spend time and get to know them in a vanilla sense. I want to know them for who they are, their day to day life, vanilla side etc before I delve into getting to know them as a submissive. That is a totally different blog for another time. Well, let me tell you about someone recently. I am going to leave her name out of this because she might be reading it in the future. I have made it known I am married, expect honesty, respect others and expect the same in return. Well, we started off chatting, and she tells me after a couple of days of chatting about a "male roommate" So thinking he is a roommate we are just chatting away and I find out they share a bed. So I ask, is he a roomy or your boyfriend.... I wont bore you with specifics or detail, but it turns out he is her boyfriend, but vanilla. Dishonesty at its finest here. So I give her the benefit of the doubt, and move on. Then she speaks in a vulgar manner to me.... She tells me to fuck off, but she claims she only means it in a humorous sense. Damn, disrespectful at its finest. When we first started talking, I thought she would enjoy reading my blog, since so many of you compliment me about it. So I link her to it. "I will read it tonight" Well, tonight was sometime ago. I asked again, "I will read it this weekend" Well, I asked this morning, and guess what? She didn't read it. See a pattern developing here? She mentions she is a lazy ass and I said, I already knew that, learned that from your actions. She tells me she will read it later and I respond "no, you keep saying later, just tells me a lot about you" Her response is, and I quote "No it doesn't tell you shit"

I am not going to go any further with this conversation, I think I am getting my point across. Needless to say, I am a nice, forgiving guy so I am giving her one more chance? I should just walk away, but I believe in second and third chances. Anyhow, we will see what happens.

My final thought is this, treat others the way you want to be treated. You will get more bees with honey. I have always been nice to others. If you choose to not be nice, that's your right. I wont judge or hold it against you. We just wont be spending much time together. Again, always be honest, say what you mean and mean what you say. As Granddad told me, "A lie makes a problem for you in the future, but the truth will make a lie a problem of the past."

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Fakes/wannabes, gutless *&%#&($(%#(&#$%@&*(

The other day I was having a discussion with a couple of people about how difficult it is to find a submissive that is local to me. For one, they do not grow on trees. However, if they did I would have a freaking orchard of them.... actually, I think I would have one tree. Actually, there are plenty of submissives in this area. What makes it difficult for me, other then being picky is the fact they are either partnered with someone else, not my type or they consider me a fake/wannabe. I read quite often that female submissives get quite a few emails from men claiming to be Dominants that instantly think that she is a door mat, slut, whore, will submit to them from the first word etc etc. If I had a penny for every time I have heard, read or witnessed this, I would have a shit load of pennies. It is because of these assholes, that instantly assume that she is going to submit from the first contact, that make it even more difficult for a true Dominant like myself.

My approach is getting to know the person as well as the submissive. How am I to take you as my own if I do not know who you are both inside this lifestyle but also outside. I want to know what makes you, you. I want to know your likes, dislikes, how you think, how you feel, what makes you cry, laugh, get emotional etc etc, not only as a submissive but as a human being. Yes, I said it, a human. A woman. If you are true, genuine and sincere as a submissive, in time it will come out. I will Dominate with words, but I also Dominate with actions and feelings. I love the power, I love being able to Dominate just with a facial expression or body language. I love knowing I am in your head, your thoughts, your dreams constantly, always striving to be your best for me, not to disappoint me and do things that are pleasing to me. When you make me happy, I will make you happy. That is the kind of Dominant I am. That is my approach to Dominating you.

You have been reading my blog for sometime now, I think you know I am who I say I am. I have received many compliments about my blog and who I am. Thank you to all who have said those nice things. But damn, I am still without a submissive of my own. I have a couple of friends who say they will submit to me in play but I seek so much more. Don't get me wrong, I will play with them, but I am seeking something a little more permanent then a casual thing. I seek a submissive that I can call my own. A submissive who can be trained in the areas I desire. A submissive who will wear my collar. I know she is out there. When will she appear? Not sure, but I will continue to be patient and wait.

I have a profile on and it amazes me the number of submissives on there who are collared/partnered with a Dom. I have made a couple of good friends on there who are collared. But the number of profiles that state "I am no longer searching" or some other line similar to that, amazes me. Why have a profile if you have already found your one? Have you found your one? Or are you stating that to keep the fakes/wannabes away? Damn, these fuckers are making it even more difficult for me. I see that on a profile and I tend to respect there wishes, there Dominants wishes and stay away.

OK, I need to get this off my chest. If you are offended by my words, then tough shit. Skip this paragraph and go to the next one. You god damned mother fucking dickless fucks need to go to hell and fry. Stop being fucking assholes to these women. They are here to find someone to bring out the submissive in them, to nurture and care for them and to take them to places they have never been in BDSM. So quit being fuck heads and either get lost, or learn who, what and how to Dominate. You god damn mother fucking dickless assholes.

OK, tangent over, I feel some better. My final thoughts are this. Too many times I hear, read or talk to someone in this lifestyle who always has a story along these lines of a run in with a fake/wannabe. I always say, if you feel uncomfortable, or your gut tells you this guy doesn't seem right, then come out and be honest and say so. No need to lead someone on. You will make yourself a better person if you are always honest not only with someone else, but also with yourself. Finding someone in this lifestyle that is compatible with you is difficult enough. Don't make it more difficult by bringing drama into the equation. If you express an honest thought to someone and they damn, belittle or chastise you for your own thoughts, is that someone you really want to be with? Is that what a Dominant is to you? Well if it is, then by all means, you have found the one you want. I know there are some out there who love to be humiliated, but shouldn't you at least wait until you are in a scene or partnered with that one?

Thank you to many people who have inspired this blog. Also, thank you for taking the time to read it. It is because of you I continue to blog. In the past few months since I started this, I have received many compliments from the few of you that do read it. I am considering going public with this blog. Right now I only invite people to read it. If you are sharing it with others, I thank you. One thing I ask, is more written feedback under the comments on the blog. I enjoy chatting with you about my blog, but I also like to see and read your comments and I feel others out there would enjoy seeing your comments as well. Hell, if you think I am wrong, off base or just rude and vulgar, say that. That is your right. I will not condemn you for your honesty and openness.

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.