Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Why is it so hard for people to accept my generosity, my sincerity and my honesty? I tend to do for others before doing for me. I am very sincere when I tell you that I wish you the best, or good luck, or I am here for you. And my honesty, although brutal at times, is just that. Honest. I tend to not sugar coat things. I call it like I see it. Take it or leave it.

I know, doing for others is perceived as not that great of a quality for a mainstream Dominant. Dominants are supposed to take take take take. And not give give give. Well, let me share something with you. Whether you are Dominant or submissive, is requires give AND take. Take AND give. Equal amounts of it. It’s just that when you don’t have a submissive of your own, it is hard to take. Know what I mean? I know how to be a great friend. I know how to keep my mouth shut and listen. I even know how to leave the lines in the carpet after vacuuming and I know to put the toilet seat down. But don’t even think for one minute, my generosity, or my sincerity is fake or a fa├žade that is being put up because I have an ulterior motive.

It is very unfortunate for Dominants and men like me to get ahead anymore because of all the fakes and wannabes out there. The ones who do have an agenda or an ulterior motive to get into your pants, or beat you, or abuse you have ruined it for the good ones like my self. I have to work that much harder at opening doors and softening walls that submissives have put up or locked because of idiots that have come before me and left behind scars on them. Instead of taking the time to get to know someone, laugh with them and learn about what makes that person unique from everyone else, we spend time knocking on doors, asking to come in. Or spend time staring at that tall wall that has been built and shaking our head truly asking ourselves, “Is it worth it trying to get to know this person when it is an uphill battle just to say hi, how are you?”

Same goes for submissives trying to get to know a Dominant. Dominants have been battered and bruised by players or wannabes. People will say and do just about anything to get what they want. I admit I have in the past. But once the smoke has cleared, I realized that what I did was wrong and should have gone about it a different way. I have learned that patience is a virtue and I exercise that. Those of you that read this blog and know me personally can agree with me. I amaze myself sometimes at how patient I have become. I have learned from my mistakes, grown from them and have made myself stronger.

I also admit I have walls up. But they are walls to protect myself. Not walls to hide me and who I am. Its ok to have walls and doors. It is ok to keep those doors shut, maybe even locked. It is ok to have walls. Even acceptable to reinforce those walls when under attack. But leave yourself some peepholes so you can peek out and actually see who is there. Because if you don’t, that person will eventually give up and move on.

Me

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Secret Sorrow

By a show of hands, how many of you knew someone who took their own life. Not someone you read or heard about. I mean someone personally. Someone you were buds with. Someone you were close to. Someone who after it happened, you actually said to yourself. “I could have stopped them from doing that?”

I say that because I know of 2 people personally who have taken their own lives and there isn’t a day that goes by that they do not enter my mind, and immediately I think, what could I have done?

The first person was a neighbor to my mom. He and his wife were in their mid 50’s and he had taken early retirement from the govt. Granted this was 1994 or so. I was always helping them with something. Once he bought a playground set for his grandkids and needed help picking it up and putting it together. That was a fun couple of weeks and a couple of hammered fingernails. Another time he was rebuilding his deck. Then there was the cookout on Labor Day when they invited mom, sister and my self over. Got to meet their 2 kids, watch the grandkids on the playground and I even learned a couple of grilling secrets from him. That winter I would shovel his driveway for him if it needed it. Even watched their dog when they went to visit their kids at Christmas. Come the next spring, I noticed he had parked his truck at an odd angle in this driveway and had covered the windows of his truck. I asked mom what he was doing and she thought maybe he was going to repaint his truck. I went over, knocked on the front door of the house but there was no answer. Not thinking anything of it, I made a mental note to check back the next day. As I crossed his yard, I walked within 20 feet of his truck and noticed that something didn’t seem right. The next day, mom called me to tell me the coroner, police and firemen were at his house. Seems what he did was run a hose from his exhaust to his window which was opposite of the road and houses, got in his truck and started the motor. He let the truck run killing himself until the truck ran out of gas. His wife said he sat in the truck for 2 days until she returned from a trip with a friend. And to think, I walked within 20 feet of him.

The second person I knew was a brief co-worker. I had known him for about a year when he came to work with the company I work for. However, due to some legality issues with a non-compete, his stay was short. But we stayed in touch. Played some golf. Drank a lot of beer. Even gave each other shit over our favorite sports teams. The last I spoke with him, he was telling me about this girl that he was crazy about. He was going to ask her to marry him. Already had the ring. They were going out the next night and he was going to pop the question. We had made plans to celebrate and I had mentioned a Vegas trip for the bachelor party. A couple of days later he called me saying she said no and she left his ass. He was very upset about this. Was actually even crying. Talking to him for the next couple of hours, the thought entered my head a couple of times wondering if he would try to end his life. When I hung up the phone, he seemed to be calming down and was even talking of still going to Vegas to blow off some steam. Two days later, I got an email from some chic and she mentioned in a round about way if anyone had pictures of him that she could use to make a collage for his parents. She had sent it from her work email, so in her signature was her cell. I immediately called her and when I told her who I was, she started crying and said he isn’t with us anymore. When I asked why, she said he took his own life. At the funeral his parents couldn’t open the casket. Because he put the gun to the side of his head and pulled the trigger. And I failed to ASK him if he was considering ending his life.

I say this because recently I came across a saying that has made me stop and think. I don’t know who wrote it, but it goes as follows.

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not. Often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

I read that and froze. And in a flash, the lives of these 2 men I knew flashed before my eyes. To someone we have and/or can make a difference in their lives. The next time that situation comes up, will you try to make that difference? I know I will.

Me

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Readers Comment

Below is a comment that was published about don’t challenge me. I want to say that I do enjoy and treasure feedback and comments like this. Am I upset with this comment? Not at all. I love reading your opinions and even more so, treasure the fact that someone does have a different view and opinion from me. Nothing wrong with expressing it and I encourage everyone else to express theirs either in comments to me or anything else. I will not hold you back nor condemn you for sharing and expressing. Below her comment is my response.


Maybe it's not about limit's..she's a new submissive NOT experienced. I've found that some submissive's generally have low self esteem, not all but some. Shaking your ass at a BDSM club like a piece of meat when you have low self body image(and new to the scene) isn't about limit's ..it's about how they view themselves. Before you say she's hot and thin.Think for a minute, how it's not about YOUR view, it's hers. Of course a new submissive is going to say she has no limit's. How can someone new to BDSM experience everything kink has to offer too even know what her limit's are. She would have to be open, experience it for herself and then decide what kind of limit to place, if any at all. For you to think it was even a challenge to you or about you, when she said she wouldn't dance for her Dom. is so arrogant. Then you belittle her and make her cry?? great way for you to treat people and a good way to ruin a new submissive. She hasn't changed for her Dom. because of your put downs(more arrogance on your part) Congratulations! You've just reinforced her views on her body image and made it even lower than before if that's even possible. ps challenge you.. no, first off you would have to be worthy of a challenge (flicks lint off my shoulder and quirks my left eyebrow)

Well lil poppet, why dont you tell us how you feel. I sense some anger in your post. Let me start by saying, you are right. It is not about me. Arrogance? Of course. Dont we all have and express some? Just some have and express more than others. It is what makes us unique. Right? However, let me say this. You were not there to see this. Well, maybe you were. I dont know. I can tell you this though. I did not belittle her. I did not put her down. I taught her a lesson. Her Dom and her both see this and understand this. The lesson learned was that we all have limits and it was arrogance on her part to say she had no limits. Sometimes you have to knock someone off their perch and then pick them up to help them see this, learn from it and grow. The only thing I reinforced with her was the fact that she should think before speaking. If she had self image issues, I dont think she would have been there in the first place.As for saying I must be worthy of a challenge? I am very worthy of one. However, it seems YOU are the one demonstrating some arrogance. Thanks for reading and sharing your view and opinion. I truly did enjoy it and appreciate it very much so.

Me

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

A personal note

So it’s been a few weeks since I have posted on here. I have started many but just could not get my mind to settle down and finish. Here the past few months it seems my mind is going in a million different directions. Work has been beyond crazy. Outside of work has been very busy with the new part time job that I now have.

I have a huge love for football. As far as I am concerned it is one of, if not THE greatest sport out there. For the past 10 years I was a football coach, molding and developing the future football stars to be seen on the fields of battle on Saturdays and Sundays. This year, I decided to take a different approach and become a football official. Holy cow. What a rush. I thought coaching was fun, being an official is even more fun. Last night I had a game and was actually throwing myself into the middle of some extra curricular activity that was taking place AFTER the whistle had blown. For those of you who are not sports oriented, that means players from the opposite sides of the ball decided to have some not so friendly words, do some shoving amongst one another and sometimes take a swing at someone. So here I am, right in the middle, no helmet or pads like these young men are wearing and I am breaking them up and separating them. Some of you have met me and know how big and strong I am. HA!!! I don’t compare to these young men, yet I jump in and do my best to keep from getting punched. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

I have also started working out with a personal trainer. Check a previous post about being a masochist. Well, just to give you an update, the intensity and the pain has been amped up. Seems I am improving, getting stronger, more stamina and I am asking for more. What a fucking idiot I am. The last time I went, it was 30 minutes on the elliptical, which by the way, when I first started I could not go 5 minutes without some sort of pain that would cause me to stop for a breather. Now I am going 30 minutes non stop. The burn and heat radiating from my thighs is so intense, I swear you could fry bacon and eggs on them. The other day he had me doing some sort of press with my arms on this machine. After the first one I stopped. He asked if everything was alright and I said sure. The next thing that escaped my lips was probably the most idiotic thing I have ever said in my life to a man that is considered by me a sadistic evil bastard. “Is that all you have for me? Come on, put more weight on there and let’s work out.” DUMB ASS!!!!!! Next thing I know we now have 200 pounds instead of 100 pounds on the bar and I am to bust out 3 sets of 10. So, I tell myself, no problem. DUMB ASS!!!!! After 5, I am grunting and straining and thinking and then saying DUMB ASS!!!!!! That’s 200 pounds on each arm, and it is a one arm press away from my body. DUMB ASS!!!!!! I finished my 30 and walked to get a drink of water. I couldn’t even lift up my arm to push the water fountain button. Laugh it up fuckers. Go ahead. I am so glad that I can amuse and humor you. HA HA!!

Let’s see, what else is going on? Oh, I have a birthday coming up. Normally I wouldn’t mention it. I am not one to ask for gifts, expect some celebration or anything like that. But damn it, I have reached the end of my always doing for others and not expecting or wanting anything in return. So now, for fucks sake, I want others to do for me. You know what I mean. I want a party. I want everyone to buy me drinks on my birthday. I want presents. I think I am going to create a wish list and post on here. If anyone wants to get me a gift, I will gladly give you an address to send it to. No obligation of course. I am not that greedy. Well, except for fig Newton’s. DON’T TOUCH MY FIG NEWTONS YOUR BASTARD!!!!!

I mentioned my mind is going in a million different directions. Well, here are just some ramblings that are going on behind closed doors. Well great, now that I am going to type those thoughts out, those fucking voices in my head have decided to lie down and take a nap. WAKE UP FUCKERS, YOU AINT GETTING OFF THAT FUCKING EASY!!! Damn, I hear crickets in my head. It’s just a star filled clear sky in my head, out in a field, crickets chirping, and soft wind rustling though the tall grass. An owl off in the distance hootie hoots. Damn I wish I were there now. I would throw my head back, close my eyes. Stretch my arms out to my side. Palms up and take the deepest breath. And then let out a howl that would make the werewolf himself cringe.

Recently, I have realized who my true friends are. And I have realized that I have very few friends. A whole lot less than I realized. I am not going to dwell on the negativity of this. And I don’t want to sound self centered or selfish. But if you’re going to tell someone you are their friend, then by all means, be that friend. You don’t always have to be at their beck and call, but if someone reaches out to you, then offer them a hand to grab a hold of. People come and go in life. Doors open and they close. To me, I live in a world with no doors. At least I don’t want doors. I might keep you at arms length, or not respond to a text, email or message, but that does not mean I have closed and locked a door on you. I might come across as a cold hearted bastard, but when you peel the many layers of harden skin, knock down the numerous walls, you will learn I am really a softie. But I still know what’s going on. I still keep tabs on you or you, and even you. But I will not intervene, or step toward you not because I am one that wants to be approached. But because I am one to keep my distance and observe.

So, I hope everyone has learned a little about me today. Hope you learned about the man that I am outside of BDSM. I have given you a peak into my personal life. With that said, I want to personally thank you for reading.

Me

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.