Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Are your friends being chosen for you?

So recently I have been very active on twitter. If you want to follow me, I am @Strictnstern4u. Make sure if you follow me to say hi and you read my blog. Anyhow, back to my thought after my shameless plug for twitter. Recently something has transpired that irks me to the core. Collared submissives that must get the blessing of their Dom to speak, or interact with another. Now, before you start giving me shit about this, I DO respect a collar and that relationship and in no way am I writing about it here now to trash someone’s collar.

If you are a submissive and you are collared to a Dom, great for you. I wish you 2 the best. What I want to talk about is the fact that he/she chooses who you can and can not converse or communicate with. If that’s the case, then are you still a submissive or are you now a slave since you are now giving up the right of who you can and can not communicate with? If that is the case, good for you, however, if it is not, then I think there is a serious underlying issue at hand.

One, is there something he is hiding? Besides you that is. To me it is a red flag being run of the ole flag pole when your friends are being chosen for you. In my opinion I feel he/she is hiding something from you. If there is complete trust, why should he be the one to pick and choose?

What brings this up is recently I gained a follower. I noticed it was a sub in the lifestyle, so I just did a common thing and went to follow this person back. Only that they have their account private and thus you must be approved to be a follower. Ok. No problem. One of two things came to mind immediately. Either they are trying to remain private and discrete and prevent someone from their vanilla world from finding them (totally different subject matter, I blogged about this before, just remember, if they come looking for the lifestyle and they find you, why fear of being outted? They will out themselves too. Just an observation.) Or, they are being told who you can and can not communicate with.

Another instance was discovered today. Someone whom I was following, had a few conversations with via twitter about bdsm related items and subjects is no longer following me AND has now blocked me. Why? I am not sure. Do I care? Yes and no. Yes I do, because she did express to me she was in a quandary. No, because obviously, and this is my opinion, their Dom feels threatened by me in some way. If this is the case, then grow a set and man up. Are you THAT fucking insecure in yourself that you feel threatened by a Dom via a social networking site? Really?!?

Again, I will put my disclaimer in here by stating this is MY BLOG and MY OPINION and no one is forcing you to read what I have to say. If you disagree, great, let’s discuss it more. I love open and friendly discussions. If you are offended, then tough shit, I aint here for you. If you have issue then simply click the little red X in the upper right corner of your screen. SEEYALATERBYE!!!!

Bottom line is, it doesn’t matter to me what you do, how you do it, why you do it, etc. But to me when something just doesn’t seem right, guess what, it usually isn’t right. One of the biggest issues I see is people not using common sense. If we all took a deep breath, stepped back and use some common sense, a lot of things will work themselves out.


I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

My pain

Its been some time since I last blogged. I have had a lot going on in my life and a lot of change. The first being I have separated from my wife and I am now going through a divorce. For the past couple of years my marriage to a vanilla woman had been going downhill. So when I moved out in December, it was on decent terms with her. Just over time we have grown apart and our lives are heading in different directions. In the long term, this will be good for me. It will allow me to get back to who I truly am. I will be able to “rediscover” myself.

For the past couple of months I have been fighting depression in a major way. Many nights I have sat in my apartment and stared at the wall. Other nights, I stare at an end. I have blogged before about suicide and how I have lost 2 friends to it. Last month I lost another friend to suicide. Losing him made me realize why he did not help me when I reached out to him. I have reached out to a few others seeking some help for me emotionally, but I have not received anything back in the form of help.

Yet here I am today blogging about the past few months and where I have been. No matter how upset, or how much thought I have put into an end, I still cant do it. What keeps me from doing it I don’t know. I have no one to live for. No children. Only family I have is a sister, and that communication is few and far between. All of my “friends” choose her side. All I have is the comfort of myself. And many nights, there is not comfort in that. People at work ask me how my evening or weekend was and I lie to them. I haven’t even told them that I have separated from my wife. In fact I have only told a handful of people I interact with daily. Hell, just the other day I stoped in at a local eatery to grab a bite to eat and when one of the people I know there asked how my wife was, I responded with, I don’t know, we are separated.

Am I sorry for the failure of my marriage? Of course. Is it my fault? To a point yes, but she is at fault too. I am not going to assign blame or point the finger. I accept blame just as much as she does. In the end, this will be for the best. Such is life. Pick up and move on. In the meantime, I have to learn to keep myself together. I have to be strong for myself, because I have no one to lean on for strength.

I have never been one to look at and into my future. I am not one to daydream of how I want things to be in my life. I do take into consideration how my actions of today will affect my tomorrow. In the past I have always felt certain that tomorrow will come in whatever capacity it might be. However, over the past year or so, I wonder if I will be around for my next birthday, or the next Christmas or even the next changing of the seasons. Now that I have typed that out, I have realized maybe that is why I am having a hard time expressing myself in my blog. My mind is so cloudy, I can not put together a complete thought. Just this posting I have had to go back and reread many times what I have typed to help me regain my train of thought. And even then I have to reread several times.

Today, the day after Valentines Day, I feel better about myself. I actually sat at home last night wondering if I would see today. Its hard for me to say this even now, but I have contemplated taking my own life. I admit it. I have even thought of how I would want to do it. But as I think that, my mind wonders to my friends who have taken their own lives and then I wonder who will miss me. Who will wonder what they could have done to prevent me from doing this. And I come to the same conclusion. If the day comes that I do take my own life, I will do it in a manner that I will never be found. It will be done in a way that only I will know. I want to disappear from everyone in the world because the last thing I want is for people to think and wonder, “What could I have done differently?” And all I can think back to is, don’t give them a reason to think that. Just disappear back into the earth never to be seen again by a human being that knows me.

I am going to post this blog. And I am sure those that read it will have something to say. Some will say it to me, some want. Either way, thank you for reading this. I am not going to edit, nor spell check this, I can not bring myself to reread this again. This is my therapy, writing about it and sharing in my blog.


I will inflict pain on myself and I will wipe away my own tears.