Wednesday, February 15, 2012

My pain

Its been some time since I last blogged. I have had a lot going on in my life and a lot of change. The first being I have separated from my wife and I am now going through a divorce. For the past couple of years my marriage to a vanilla woman had been going downhill. So when I moved out in December, it was on decent terms with her. Just over time we have grown apart and our lives are heading in different directions. In the long term, this will be good for me. It will allow me to get back to who I truly am. I will be able to “rediscover” myself.

For the past couple of months I have been fighting depression in a major way. Many nights I have sat in my apartment and stared at the wall. Other nights, I stare at an end. I have blogged before about suicide and how I have lost 2 friends to it. Last month I lost another friend to suicide. Losing him made me realize why he did not help me when I reached out to him. I have reached out to a few others seeking some help for me emotionally, but I have not received anything back in the form of help.

Yet here I am today blogging about the past few months and where I have been. No matter how upset, or how much thought I have put into an end, I still cant do it. What keeps me from doing it I don’t know. I have no one to live for. No children. Only family I have is a sister, and that communication is few and far between. All of my “friends” choose her side. All I have is the comfort of myself. And many nights, there is not comfort in that. People at work ask me how my evening or weekend was and I lie to them. I haven’t even told them that I have separated from my wife. In fact I have only told a handful of people I interact with daily. Hell, just the other day I stoped in at a local eatery to grab a bite to eat and when one of the people I know there asked how my wife was, I responded with, I don’t know, we are separated.

Am I sorry for the failure of my marriage? Of course. Is it my fault? To a point yes, but she is at fault too. I am not going to assign blame or point the finger. I accept blame just as much as she does. In the end, this will be for the best. Such is life. Pick up and move on. In the meantime, I have to learn to keep myself together. I have to be strong for myself, because I have no one to lean on for strength.

I have never been one to look at and into my future. I am not one to daydream of how I want things to be in my life. I do take into consideration how my actions of today will affect my tomorrow. In the past I have always felt certain that tomorrow will come in whatever capacity it might be. However, over the past year or so, I wonder if I will be around for my next birthday, or the next Christmas or even the next changing of the seasons. Now that I have typed that out, I have realized maybe that is why I am having a hard time expressing myself in my blog. My mind is so cloudy, I can not put together a complete thought. Just this posting I have had to go back and reread many times what I have typed to help me regain my train of thought. And even then I have to reread several times.

Today, the day after Valentines Day, I feel better about myself. I actually sat at home last night wondering if I would see today. Its hard for me to say this even now, but I have contemplated taking my own life. I admit it. I have even thought of how I would want to do it. But as I think that, my mind wonders to my friends who have taken their own lives and then I wonder who will miss me. Who will wonder what they could have done to prevent me from doing this. And I come to the same conclusion. If the day comes that I do take my own life, I will do it in a manner that I will never be found. It will be done in a way that only I will know. I want to disappear from everyone in the world because the last thing I want is for people to think and wonder, “What could I have done differently?” And all I can think back to is, don’t give them a reason to think that. Just disappear back into the earth never to be seen again by a human being that knows me.

I am going to post this blog. And I am sure those that read it will have something to say. Some will say it to me, some want. Either way, thank you for reading this. I am not going to edit, nor spell check this, I can not bring myself to reread this again. This is my therapy, writing about it and sharing in my blog.


I will inflict pain on myself and I will wipe away my own tears.


strivingforpeace said...

I don't think I've commented here before -- but a funny thing today

I was driving home for lunch and NPR's Think had Suicide on as a topic.

and then I came in -- started reading blogs -- and I found you.

I'm not a big one on "signs" -- but I felt I needed to reach out to you.

Suicide and suicidal thoughts are a dirty secret -- a lot of people have them -- but they never talk about it -- so when it happens to us -- we feel alone. We feel we are the only ones who feel this way -- and we start to convince ourselves that no one cares.

in time -- because we shut down
people stop asking
and we say to ourselves, "see -- no one cares"

I urge you
go see someone that you an talk to

right away

call your company to see if they have an Employee Assistance Program -- if not -- call the nurse line for your insurance or call a suicide hotline

and just talk.

I can tell you need to

you're talking to us!

you have had so much change
and I'm willing to bet that you either don't sleep -- or don't sleep well.

you need rest
you need support
and you need someone to help you put things in perspective.

This is a low time in your life.
you just need a little help up.

email if you need support


Fiona Kathleen Hogan said...

By golly.

I'm sorry to hear of this. And I'm grateful you took the time to email me when you could.

Thank you.

If I can offer a shoulder to lean on from here, I'm offering! :))