Wednesday, December 23, 2015


Darkness.  It surrounds me. It envelopes me. Darkness consumes me. I stretch, I reach, I strain for the light but it fades fast. When I accept the darkness all is calm. The dull pain in my chest fades. My breathing returns to normal. When I see the light fading, my breath catches in my throat. You know that catch, the one that if you voluntarily hold your breath at the same time as the catch in your breath, that's when the wetness flows. The stream trickles. The watery, blurry vision increases as those wet tears fall from your cheeks, from your chin and onto the floor below. I don't cry in sorrow or physical pain. I cry because just like everything and everyone else in my life, the light moves away from me and fades to dark. Then I accept the darkness. No need to close my eyes as the darkness squeezes out all the light. The tears stop. The breathing returns to normal. And I begin to float. My body becomes weightless and numb. My mind, empty. All I hear is the intake and exhale of breath as it flows in and out of my lungs. As I float in the darkness, the crazy, the deranged, the pain in my soul fades. My balance comes back. Not the balance of standing on my two feet, but the balance of sane versus insane. The voices subside.  The urges dissipate.  The desire to become a permanent fixture in the darkness fades away. I am able to look up and what looks like a far away star in a dark night becomes brighter and bigger. The light is coming back. Each time I say to myself let it come to me. Let it get bigger. My body becomes alive again. My mind purrs to life. My arms stretch and reach. My heart races. My breathing increases. My eyes widen. But my soul laughs and thus the cycle begins again. My dark soul doesn't want the light. My souls wants to die. My soul wants to squash all hopes of any life that the light will provide.  And just like that, the light begins to fade and the darkness takes over. 


I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears