What makes a good Dom?

This is a question I have heard a few times from people gaining interest in the lifestyle as well as submissive's who are at their wits end. Unfortunately for the true sincere people in this lifestyle, we have to constantly deal with the fakes and wannabes while searching online. In this age, the Internet is our outlet, our resource and our form of communication with a lot of people in this lifestyle. Plenty of sites and groups available to communicate and possibly connect with someone to have a relationship with and/or play partner. Too many submissive's experience a lot of so called Dominant's who message them and expect the submissive to immediately submit and obey them. By a show of hands, how many submissive's/bottoms/slaves have experienced this? If you did NOT raise your hand, you are telling a lie. Go to my room, stand in the corner, nose pressed against the wall, hands to your side and keep your eyes open and wait for me to finish this blog entry. Yea yea, I know. I am trying to Dominate without a relationship. Be quiet and let me finish. This is MY blog for YOU to read and comment on.

In my opinion and the way I handle and present myself as a Dominant seeking new friends who could possibly be partners in some way is first to be a gentleman. I always am nice, straight forward and honest. I tend to want to take time to get to know the woman who is a submissive. Not the other way around. If the woman is truly interested in me and truly is a submissive/slave/bottom then it will come out in general conversation. How can someone gain trust in the other if you instantly go to whipping, beating, submitting etc etc? Gaining someones trust is huge. Without trust, you can not practice and participate in this lifestyle in a safe manner. Again, my opinion. Is it possible to begin to trust someone within a brief conversation? Depends on that level of trust. Trust them enough with your life? probably not. Trust them enough to meet face to face? very possible. My point here is communication. A good Dominant will communicate and allow you to communicate. Without communication, what do you have?

Another thing that makes a good Dominant is one who is considerate and attentive. One who pays attention to you, your words, your body language and detail. One thing I am blessed and cursed with is the ability to read people. It is a blessing because it works to my advantage. A lot of times, I can tell what you are thinking about or feeling by your body language. But it is also a curse, because I can also pick up on the negative side of it. I wont go into a lot of detail about this, but let's just keep it at that. A good Dominant will also be attentive to you during a scene. They will know when to push, when to slow down and when to stop. Of course there are safe words, but my goal is always to push to the point of a safe word but not to hear it. For me, having a submissive use her safe word to END play is a let down and disappointment. Not in the sub, but in myself. I feel it is a great quality in a Dominant if they can determine your state of mind in a scene without you ever muttering a word. Some of you are asking, How is that possible? Again, paying attention to detail. Not just in a scene but in general discussions and vanilla settings.

Another good quality in a Dominant is knowledge of the lifestyle. One good friend who is a bottom and also the inspiration of this blog entry always ask my opinion or definition of something. She feels I am very knowledgeable and able to answer her questions honestly, truthfully and intelligently. I am not saying all Dominant's need to be very well versed in knowledge of the lifestyle, but they need to at least know what they are talking about. If they are not, would you trust them if they tried to bullshit their way through your question?

My final thought is this. I am not saying that your Dominant should be like this. Not everyone can be like me or have the exact opinion as me. What I am saying is a good Dominate will show you with his actions how good he is. Maybe you want a Dominant to just immediately come out and bark "ON YOUR KNEES BITCH!!". That is your preference. Maybe you just want it to be a one time control thing. I am hitting on the points about a good Dominant that is in this for the long haul, truly practices the lifestyle and truly believes in himself. Use your best judgement. If you don't trust your judgement, then seek someone else's opinion. Or simply ask me. Again, the only stupid question is the one you don't ask.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

First severe punishment.

That Saturday morning, I was awaken by my submissive. it was a cool morning outside in the early spring. March I think. The sun was brilliant in the sky. it was going to be a gorgeous day. She was such a good obedient and attentive submissive. Per my written instructions I was to be served breakfast in bed. Not only did she prepare my eggs the way I liked but she also me fresh fruit, wheat toast and a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice..... OK, she didn't, but damn I can wish for it. Instead she woke me in a more adult manner. A manner to cause a man to curl his toes and grip the sheets. As of this entry, she is the only submissive, hell woman for that matter to ever wake me this way. Nothing like having a woman/submissive dump a glass of ice water on your back. Who the hell needs an alarm clock when you have a bitch dumping ice cold water on your back? Go ahead and laugh. Enjoy it at my expense. No really, it is OK. I am not bitter or upset. I was FUCKING PISSED OFF. I was in raged. I was ready to kill the bitch. Who wouldn't be?

Don't worry, that bitch got her punishment all right. Ever seen a submissive cry in pain, I mean true pain??????? To this day, she is the one and only who has ever suffered that severe of a punishment from me. I had her squat, her lower legs at a 90 deg angle to her thighs, place her back flat against the wall, arms straight out in front of her, parallel to the floor, palms up and holding two glasses of ice water, one in each palm. She was to stay that way for 30 mins or until I finished showering and shaving. So it took me a little longer that morning. I took an extra long hot shower to warm myself up. When I came out of the bathroom, she was squalling. Eyes so puffy and red from crying, snot dripping from her nose and her mascara running down her cheeks...... I stepped to her, took the glasses from her hands and she fell to the floor. Exhausted. As she rolled over onto her stomach to stretch her legs, I dumped both glasses of water on her back and left her in the bedroom. I fixed my own breakfast that morning, read the paper and took the dog for a walk. When I returned, she was still laying in the floor sobbing. She crawled to her knees, knelt before me and apologized for being so cruel and evil to me and vowed that she would never be so again. I pulled her to her feet, held her by her shoulders. She was barely standing on shaky knees and trembling thighs. I did scold her once more. I did kiss away her tears. I lead her to the bathroom, started a hot bath for her, even put in bath salts. Placing her in the tub, I washed her from head to toe. Bathing her body. Caressing her tired and sore thighs. Towel drying her off, she leaned into my body, nuzzled her wet hair against my chest and began sobbing once more. Holding her tight, she stuttered through another apology. That evening, while snuggled on the couch watching TV, she told me she had never received such a severe, sadistic and cruel punishment like that. I smiled, kissed the top of her head and told her, "Then lets make sure we don't ever do that again. Understood?" I could feel the smile come across her face as she proudly and boldly said, "Yes Sir."

Yes I know, I am one cruel evil bastard. Thank you. Would you like to dump a glass of ice water on me, waking me from a sound sleep? What? No? Why not? Are you not brave? Come on, you would enjoy the laugh, seeing me bolt straight up in bed. Still no? I thought so. Its all fun and games until a submissive dumps ice cold water on a sleeping Dominate Sadistic mother fucking bastard like me. Yea yea, I hear ya. "That is just wrong. W R O N G I tell ya. Tell me something I don't know OK?

My parting thought is this, do not do anything that will get you in trouble unless you are ready to accept the punishment. No matter how severe. In all honesty, I do not like punishing a submissive. I prefer to reward, be positive. I don't want to have to be mean and have to punish or chastise. I like being a good guy, being a nice guy. I love telling a submissive you have done an excellent job, made me happy etc etc. I don't like getting upset, and having to enforce a punishment. So don't force me to be a means bastard. Don't force me to be a Dominate Sadistic mother fucking bastard.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Soft limits & education

The other day I wrote about hard limits. Today I am going to touch on soft limits. Soft limits are the ones set by either person involved for things that maybe they have not tried, are a little unsure about but think they want to try them. Or they have had a bad experience, and want to try again. Either way, a soft limit is defined as a "maybe". For instance, a sub I know had a soft limit for golden showers. She just didn't know if she could go through with allowing someone to piss on her, or even be present while the act was taking place. She and I discussed it at great length over a period of several months before she agreed to give it a try. We both researched it together since it was new to me as well and one weekend we decided to get a room so as to not mess our places up. I drank nothing but water for several days leading up to that night. Man, I didn't realize how bad a headache can be from lack of caffeine. But I was a trooper and made it through. That night, while playing around, I had her on her knees, a wooden pole behind her back, and through her elbows, her body tightly wrapped to that pole and a ball gag in her mouth, the look in her eyes told me she was ready for what was to come........

That night was a first for us both. Both breaking down a soft limit and removing from the list. Keep in mind, patience and research is a good thing. if you are ever unsure about something, ask someone. If no one is available to ask, research it. Check with your local BDSM group, books, or even google it. Do not ever go into something without checking it out. It could lead to harm and damage to you or your partner or both. Another piece of advice my grandfather gave me was, "The only stupid question is the one you don't ask." If you are afraid, shy or uneasy asking a question, how are you ever going to get that question asked? Just yesterday I had lunch with a bottom friend in the lifestyle and one area we discussed was how she is a research fiend and she is always researching this and that. And I asked her how she felt about groups and forums she participated in and their education. She replied that some were good with education and others were not. I feel an important thing that we can do in this lifestyle to help one another is educate each other and ourselves. How are we going to make ourselves better people without education? I just don't get it.

With that being said, I am going to finish this blog by saying you are only hurting yourself if you do not know what you are doing. Well and others to for that matter. Here is a question I will ask you, my readers. I would like your response. Is it considered abuse if you do not educate yourself and allow yourself to participate in an activity that you or your partner know nothing about?

I hope to see some intelligent responses.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Limits and respect

For the past couple of weeks I have been struggling to write. A few times I have come out here with a topic to write on, but just didn't feel the passion to write on that topic. Well, this morning while having a chat with a bottom that is close to me, she inspired me to write about limits and respect. She tells me she feels that she is being sanctimonious in telling others, both Doms/Tops and bottoms/submissives what her limits are. Let me give you a little background on this bottom. I met her may of 2008 via a local BDSM group. She was new on the scene and we instantly formed a friendship and bonded. She is probably the most moral person I will ever meet, both in and outside of this lifestyle. She has her limits and sticks to them. Limit numero uno, she will not bottom with a married person unless she receives consent from the spouse. PERIOD. END OF DISCUSSION. I use that expression because she is that firm in her limit. She thinks that if she expresses her limits to others, that the will accuse her of being judgemental or condescending. I told her this morning that her limits are there for a reason. Her own personal reason. I think the ones who question and judge her on her limits are the ones who are judgemental. I also think that people who do not respect someones limits are being abusive in a way. Limits are there to protect others. What I am referring to in this entry are hard limits. Soft limits are a totally different subject which I might write about later in this entry or an entirely new entry. Right now I want to focus on hard limits.

I firmly believe that we all have one way or another have violated a hard limit..... I hear a collective gasp. Yes you and I both know we have done it. I have done it. I admit. I was young and inexperienced when I violated a hard limit. It has happened. Don't deny it. But that is the past. Soft limits are where you push those limits, trying to break down that barrier with a sub/bottom. Hard limits are NO, DON'T GO THERE. NOT INTERESTED. REDREDRED. If a sub/bottom defines a hard limit and you continue to push them to do it, in my mind, that is abuse. Mental abuse, but abuse is abuse.

I know there are people out there who are going to disagree with me on this. That's your right to disagree. That is your opinion. This is my opinion. If you want to engage me in an intelligent conversation about my opinion on anything, I welcome the conversation. If you want to sit back in your glass house, and cast stones at me, talk down to me about my thoughts and opinions, then simply move on. I do not have time for petty drama such as this. This is MY opinion. Take it our leave it. My life does not revolve around you. It revolves around me. There is always room for one more. Don't be closed/narrow minded. I see and experience that on a daily basis both in and outside this lifestyle.

Conversing with someone last night reminded me of the harsh reality of people like this. You say you are open minded about sexual preferences and lifestyles, yet you cut someone down because they choose to go a different path from what you believe..... Where does it end? No where. If it did end, then there would be no opinions voiced/shared/expressed. There would be no debates. No banter. No expression.

You are reading my blog because you choose to. If you don't agree, tough. I will not apologize for my thoughts and/or opinions. They are mine and only mine. If you are offended by me or my opinions, then simply click the "X" in the upper right corner and do not come back. You want to comment either in agreeing or disagreeing with my opinion and listen to my response, I will converse with you until the end of time.

My parting thought is this. We all are unique and different in our own way. it is what makes us individuals. I will respect you, but you must respect me in return. Thank you for taking the time to read this far.

Me.

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.