Wednesday, January 28, 2009

What makes a good Dom?

This is a question I have heard a few times from people gaining interest in the lifestyle as well as submissive's who are at their wits end. Unfortunately for the true sincere people in this lifestyle, we have to constantly deal with the fakes and wannabes while searching online. In this age, the Internet is our outlet, our resource and our form of communication with a lot of people in this lifestyle. Plenty of sites and groups available to communicate and possibly connect with someone to have a relationship with and/or play partner. Too many submissive's experience a lot of so called Dominant's who message them and expect the submissive to immediately submit and obey them. By a show of hands, how many submissive's/bottoms/slaves have experienced this? If you did NOT raise your hand, you are telling a lie. Go to my room, stand in the corner, nose pressed against the wall, hands to your side and keep your eyes open and wait for me to finish this blog entry. Yea yea, I know. I am trying to Dominate without a relationship. Be quiet and let me finish. This is MY blog for YOU to read and comment on.

In my opinion and the way I handle and present myself as a Dominant seeking new friends who could possibly be partners in some way is first to be a gentleman. I always am nice, straight forward and honest. I tend to want to take time to get to know the woman who is a submissive. Not the other way around. If the woman is truly interested in me and truly is a submissive/slave/bottom then it will come out in general conversation. How can someone gain trust in the other if you instantly go to whipping, beating, submitting etc etc? Gaining someones trust is huge. Without trust, you can not practice and participate in this lifestyle in a safe manner. Again, my opinion. Is it possible to begin to trust someone within a brief conversation? Depends on that level of trust. Trust them enough with your life? probably not. Trust them enough to meet face to face? very possible. My point here is communication. A good Dominant will communicate and allow you to communicate. Without communication, what do you have?

Another thing that makes a good Dominant is one who is considerate and attentive. One who pays attention to you, your words, your body language and detail. One thing I am blessed and cursed with is the ability to read people. It is a blessing because it works to my advantage. A lot of times, I can tell what you are thinking about or feeling by your body language. But it is also a curse, because I can also pick up on the negative side of it. I wont go into a lot of detail about this, but let's just keep it at that. A good Dominant will also be attentive to you during a scene. They will know when to push, when to slow down and when to stop. Of course there are safe words, but my goal is always to push to the point of a safe word but not to hear it. For me, having a submissive use her safe word to END play is a let down and disappointment. Not in the sub, but in myself. I feel it is a great quality in a Dominant if they can determine your state of mind in a scene without you ever muttering a word. Some of you are asking, How is that possible? Again, paying attention to detail. Not just in a scene but in general discussions and vanilla settings.

Another good quality in a Dominant is knowledge of the lifestyle. One good friend who is a bottom and also the inspiration of this blog entry always ask my opinion or definition of something. She feels I am very knowledgeable and able to answer her questions honestly, truthfully and intelligently. I am not saying all Dominant's need to be very well versed in knowledge of the lifestyle, but they need to at least know what they are talking about. If they are not, would you trust them if they tried to bullshit their way through your question?

My final thought is this. I am not saying that your Dominant should be like this. Not everyone can be like me or have the exact opinion as me. What I am saying is a good Dominate will show you with his actions how good he is. Maybe you want a Dominant to just immediately come out and bark "ON YOUR KNEES BITCH!!". That is your preference. Maybe you just want it to be a one time control thing. I am hitting on the points about a good Dominant that is in this for the long haul, truly practices the lifestyle and truly believes in himself. Use your best judgement. If you don't trust your judgement, then seek someone else's opinion. Or simply ask me. Again, the only stupid question is the one you don't ask.

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

1 comment:

Skye said...

I need to build the trust before putting myself out there as a submissive. Someone who starts ordering me around from the first message is a big red alert in my troll detection list.

Even after a relationship is formed, each person needs to keep the respect of the other person and make sure that limits are known and honored.

I want to know that my Dom is there when I need him, but I want him to know that I'll be there when he needs me. It works two ways.