Wednesday, December 23, 2015


Darkness.  It surrounds me. It envelopes me. Darkness consumes me. I stretch, I reach, I strain for the light but it fades fast. When I accept the darkness all is calm. The dull pain in my chest fades. My breathing returns to normal. When I see the light fading, my breath catches in my throat. You know that catch, the one that if you voluntarily hold your breath at the same time as the catch in your breath, that's when the wetness flows. The stream trickles. The watery, blurry vision increases as those wet tears fall from your cheeks, from your chin and onto the floor below. I don't cry in sorrow or physical pain. I cry because just like everything and everyone else in my life, the light moves away from me and fades to dark. Then I accept the darkness. No need to close my eyes as the darkness squeezes out all the light. The tears stop. The breathing returns to normal. And I begin to float. My body becomes weightless and numb. My mind, empty. All I hear is the intake and exhale of breath as it flows in and out of my lungs. As I float in the darkness, the crazy, the deranged, the pain in my soul fades. My balance comes back. Not the balance of standing on my two feet, but the balance of sane versus insane. The voices subside.  The urges dissipate.  The desire to become a permanent fixture in the darkness fades away. I am able to look up and what looks like a far away star in a dark night becomes brighter and bigger. The light is coming back. Each time I say to myself let it come to me. Let it get bigger. My body becomes alive again. My mind purrs to life. My arms stretch and reach. My heart races. My breathing increases. My eyes widen. But my soul laughs and thus the cycle begins again. My dark soul doesn't want the light. My souls wants to die. My soul wants to squash all hopes of any life that the light will provide.  And just like that, the light begins to fade and the darkness takes over. 


I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

My own fear of my inner beast

I have been asked to be more aggressive. I have been asked to let my inner beast out to which I have replied I am afraid of my inner beast. I’ve gotten chuckles and eye rolls because of that comment. But what these people fail to realize is that it truly is a fear of mine. There is one time that I did completely let myself go in a scene, one time. I will not go into details about that, but it was a mutually agreed upon rape scene. The aftermath of that still somewhat haunts me as to the violence and brutality that we both experienced in that scene. I don’t replay it in my head anymore because it ends up giving me a headache, but the fact is that 1) I was capable of such an act and 2) I went through it does leave me feeling uneasy. Side note, after the dust had settled, breathing somewhat returned to normal and we both came out of our respective mental highs, we agreed it was the most intense, yet most satisfying event ever, actually at the time of this writing, it still IS for me.

Which brings me to my point about why I am afraid if my inner beast. I have always been told even as a child to not be so rough because I don’t know my own strength as compared to others. When I played sports during my younger years, I was a good strong one to have on a team. It just something that came natural to me. Out of high school, I worked a couple of factory and production jobs where my strength got me the job. I have always been physically strong.

Sure people say they like it rough and are tough enough to be truly man handled by me or another man. Maybe that person is. But take a moment and step into my shoes, or better, into my mind.

I truly believe there are times that the sub/bottom using a safe word is not a good thing. Let me expand on this. Most times a safe word is used, it is to stop some sort of physical pain whether it be from a spanking or an attempt at anal sex or your safe word is used to end a scene because it has become too emotional for you. Say you do not like confinement but wish to experience tight bondage, maybe even suspension but the anxiety of this act becomes to much and you must use your safe word to end it and become freed as to help curb your anxiety. Often time people push themselves to help over come a fear and will use their safe word when they want to stop. So far the use of the safe word is because the sub/bottom felt they were at the peak of what they could handle and want to stop. With me so far? Good.

So lets say I just let myself go, let my inner beast take over and I wrap my hand around your throat, push you to the wall, even slightly lift you to enforce the aggressiveness of the act before I lean in to kiss you, or bite your shoulder or whatever is about to happen. However in your mind, this act is too much for you and you use your safe word to which I abide. At that point it is too late. The damage is done, maybe physically, but mostly mentally and emotionally because the line was crossed between pleasure and true fear.

Now, lets look at it from why I said it was bad, especially in the aspect of me letting my inner beast out. Back to the hand around the throat and I don’t know my own strength and I truly do physically hurt you in a bad way. So lets say I do let myself go and push you to the point of using your safe word out of true fear, but by the time your safe word is used, the damage is done physically or emotionally. I am not out for abuse, nor do I get off on inflicting it. Its one thing to build up to a point of you saying, “ok that’s enough for today” but its something else to just go bam and actually create an unsafe environment.

As I type this out, I have worked and sorted this out in my head a little more. The word sane just came to mind. Maybe I should state that in order to remain sane in this situation or scene, I work to keep my inner beast at bay, in a locked cage with in. I always, in my opinion, practice safely, sanely and in a consensual manner. With that said, I do have the forethought to know to keep my inner beast caged and under lock and key to prevent myself from playing in an unsafe, insane and non-consensual manner. Call it being preventive or proactive instead of reactive because if youre to the point of reacting, you could or probably are too late.

In the fantasy world, there are those who love the aggressive, the beast, the demon within us all. We all have that primal aspect to sex and to scenes. We all love it to some degree. However, in reality I have seen myself what I am capable of and how it scares ME, that is why I choose to keep my inner beast, my demon locked in a cage. Will I let him out? I am sure some day he will be released. But the trust to let him out is not to make sure he doesn’t hurt someone, but the trust is to make sure YOU are ready for him.

My closing thought is this, at the end of the day we all know our own limits, no one else knows them better than ones self. But sometimes you do need to exercise caution when challenging someone to let themselves go. We all have inner struggles with things and often times we don’t take that into consideration before asking someone to partake in something. Just keep that in mind the next time you ask someone to let themselves go. That person may not know their own strength and it is YOU that ends up hurt.


I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Collection of short stories

Below is a collection of short stories I have written on the past year or so.  Instead of doing individual post I decided to put them all in one.  I hope you enjoy and hope your fingers dont go numb from pleasuring yourself.

Snuggling behind you in bed. My chest hairs tickling your naked back. My arm snakes over your hips and rests on your belly. You roll back slightly molding your body into me. Your shoulder lays just beneath my chin. The whiskers in my face scratch get tickle your skin. Your body shifts slightly and my hardening cock nestled in the crack of your supple ass. Your hand comes behind you and rests on my hip as your hips gently grind back into me. You lift your leg slightly and my hard cock slips between. My swollen cock head rubs against your clit as you continue to gyrate your hips. My hand comes up to pinch and twists your nipples as your face turns to kiss my lips. Your hips move faster and before we know it, orgasms washes over your body as my cock twitches and splashes hot cum all over the outside of your pussy. Your hand slips between your legs to finish jerking me off and rubbing my cum all over your pussy

My hand slides over your hip and into your panties. My lips electrify your skin as I kiss your neck. My hand softly slips between your legs and into the folds of your pussy. You stir. Your legs part. My middle finger slides over your clit and to your damp fuck hole. Your body reacts by melting back into me.

Your hand comes up and grips the back of my neck pulling my lips to yours. A slight moan escapes your lips as I slip a finger into your hole. Your hand moves to your breasts and begins to pinch your nipple.

Your hips start bucking humping my fingers as I slip a second into your soppy wet hole. Your body tenses, your lips become numb. Your lungs paralyzed as you suck air in deep and hard. Your legs clamp hard around my hand. The the loan moan of an orgasm escapes your lips as your eyes roll back in your head.

Sometimes a guy just has to take what he wants. And watching you bend over in front of me at that moment has me wanting to just take you bend you over the kitchen counter and yanking your pants and panties to your ankles. As my hand comes back up it slides between your legs and roughly massages your clit feeling you become wetter and wetter. As I'm doing that my hand is working my pants down. You're resisting saying no because the kids will be walking in any minute. But I just slap your naked ass and say shut up bitch. I'm horny and I want you now. As I grab my cock and stroke it a couple of times I see your hands come to your sides and grip the edge of the counter. As I rub my cock between our legs and line it up with your fuck hole, you push back before I can push towards you. My cock spears your pussy as my hips thrust hard into you. You're not fully wet and we both feel the dry skin on skin and we both wince slightly. Pulling back and shoving forward again and my cock slides in easier. After 10'seconds and a couple more thrusts we are in a good rhythm and fucking hard and furious. In less than two minutes and you cumming hard one final thrust and I shoot my cum into you. Pulling out and pulling my pants up I zip up as I walk out of the kitchen and ask, "what's for dinner tonight" as you hear the front door slam with one kid coming in.

Pushing you against the wall w/fire in our eyes. Kissing you deeply, passionately and hard on the lips. Biting your bottom lip as my hand softly strokes your cheek. Releasing your lip you breath in deeply as my tongue snakes out and licks your luscious lips. Our bodies pressed tightly against one another. Your nails digging into my shoulder and chest as our eyes close and our lips part for a hair raising toe curling, breath taking, mind numbing, goose bump raising, eye crossing kiss. my hand cups your ass as your leg slides up my waist. Our tongues twist and knot together as out lips are sealed tightly. A soft grunt escapes your throat as my hips thrust against you pinning You tighter against the wall. Your hips grind against me as I lift your body slightly and push you harder against the wall. My fingers digging harder into your thight as I begin to feel your wetness soaking through my pants from your naked exposed pussy. Your dress raises higher exposing your stocking tops. Your heels digs into my ass as your eyes fly open in surprise as your body shudders. A small orgasm escapes causing you to become paralyzed with fear when you realize you're in public. For a split second your mind races but your body takes over telling your mind to fuck off. Your hips buck harder against me as our lips break their bond. My lips find your neck. My teeth find your flesh and nip at you. I bite harder into your shoulder as our dry humping continues. You whisper huskily into my ear... I need your cock now Sir. Fuck me hard please. My eyes lock in yours as a wide evil smile creases my face. Reaching between us I unzip my pants releasing my hard cock and in one quick yet smooth motion bury deeply into your wet cunt as your leg is now over my shoulder. Your hips begin humping doing all the work as our eyes never blink nor break their gaze into one another. Your hard clit grinds against me as you're unable to breath. Your neck reddens. Your chest crimson. Your body tenses but your hips are at a furies pace as your body gets closer and closer and at that exact moment, I sense your impeding orgasm and thrust hard, deep into you. The bricks tear at your flesh as I pin you hard against the wall. Your orgasm starts deep within and explodes out at the exact moment my cock twitches and flexes spilling my hot seed deep inside you. Our lips crash together as we both cum violently together.

Placing my left hand on the small of your back, my right hand pulls back slightly and quickly comes back to deliver a soft swat to your panty covered ass. Your body lurches forward and you attempt to straighten up but my left hand holds you down. Pulling my right hand back, a little farther this time, swinging it back and swatting a little harder on your right cheek and quickly another to your left cheek. Your hands fly back to cover your ass but I quickly grab them and fold them across your back and wrap my hand around both of your wrists to hold them in place. Hooking my thumb and fingers in the legs of your panties I slide my hand up your ass pinching your panties together and pulling on them, giving you a wedgie of sorts and exposing your Lilly white sweet young ass cheeks to the cool air of the sanctuary in the church. My rough hand softly caresses and admires the smoothness and softness of your skin. My finger tips gently tickling along the edge of the crack of your ass. Pulling my right hand back about 2 feet from your body, it swings back hard and firmly lands on your right ass cheek with a loud audible smack. You yelp and lurch. Your hands clinch into a fist. You gasp, bite down on your bottom lip, stand on your tip toes, your heels slightly off the floor. I softly rub your stinging ass. The welt from the outline of my hand barely noticeable. I feel your body relax slightly and you rock back and stand squarely on the floor. Your breathing a little more audible. Your back heaves slightly. I feel your thighs clench slightly and a smile creases my face knowing your attempting to pinch at your throbbing clit. Your ass stings but your clit and pussy are horny and throbbing. I swat at your thighs letting you know that I know what you're doing. You're back on your toes as you whimper. You shake your legs trying to ease the sting forgetting about your exposed ass. A soft whisper escapes your lips. "Oh please, it stings, please rub it....Sir". My hand clasps your wrists tightly. Your breathing is labored. My right hand pulls back and with a swift strike, my palm lands square with your left cheek. Your tight ass ripples. Your hips buck hard against the pew. You yelp loudly. Your body rests fully on the pew now as your feet kick and you begin to cry out slightly.

Softly rubbing your ass and admiring the welt outline of my hand I begin to feel the hear radiating from your skin. Slowly you relax until your feet are back on the floor but I still feel the tension in your body in anticipation of another swat.

Standing you up you smooth your skirt down. A single tear forms in your eyes and quickly falls down your cheek. I catch it with my finger before it drops off your chin and as I'm looking you in the eye I lick it from my finger.

A small yet evil smile creases my face I look into your eyes. Your bottom lip is sucked on and I see your teeth digging into your flesh as you stand before me. Apprehensive yet excited your mind races wondering what could be next. Your face becomes flush as you notice my eyes darting to the front of the church.

Shall we go kneel at the altar in the front of the church?

Stocking covered legs and stiletto shoes on my shoulders and my fingers dig into your thighs with my hips slapping your ass as I thrust deep. The curve in my cock has me brushing your g-spot with every hard thrust. Your nails dig into the sheets as my hands pin your wrists down. Your head rolls to the side as I continue my assault on your wet pussy with my throbbing cock. Your body quakes as another orgasm rocks you. One final thrust deep into you, my cock pulses emptying my seed deep in you. Strong powerful spurts splash your walls. Your pussy milks me. The only sounds are those of our heavy breathing and animalistic groans from me mixed with your moans of pleasure.

Baby this is a morning I wish I was spooned up behind you, our legs bent slightly. One arm under your neck with your back pushed back against my chest. Low enough on my body that my chin rests above your head. My other arm draped over your hip and resting just below your belly button. Your fingers laced with both my hands. Our body's molded as one. Both of us in a deep peaceful slumber. Bending my head down to softly kiss your neck and wake you as my hand gently rubs up and down your beautiful body. Thrusting my hips forward grinding my hardness into you as my hand palms your supple breast as I kiss more on your neck and shoulder. My large cock head getting wet as it thrust between your thighs. My fingers gently pinching your nipples. Your hand grabbing me by the back of my neck digging your nails in as I bite into your shoulder. You throw your top leg over me as my hand makes it way down your body inviting me to feel your wetness with my fingers. My fingers dancing on your clit. Your head turns to kiss me from behind. Sucking my tongue in as my finger pushes between the folds of your wet swollen lips. Your hips rotating allowing my thick cock to penetrate your wet fuck hole. Our kiss never breaking. My finger pushes on your clit as my hips thrust my cock deeper in you. Your other hand squeezes mine tightly as it is still under your head. Your body shudders and tightens as your orgasm takes over. Your juices flood my cock and balls. I push deeper still. My hand digging into your hip now holding on. Your pussy spasms around my shaft. Pulling my arm from under you I push your shoulders bending you at the waist. Still laying on our sides I start thrusting into you, my cock assaulting your quivering pussy. Your top arm on my hips feeling my thrust. Your other hand palming your breast and pinching your nipple as your moans have turned to whimpers. My thrusts becoming harder and shorter. My hips bouncing on your ass. My cock swells. And with one final thrust I push deep into you and release my hot cum deep inside you. My cock throbs and pulses as thick cum fills you up.

Pinning her against the wall with a handful of her hair in my hand. Pulling her hair to raise her chin and expose her neck. I gently lick First then follow with a slight nip of my teeth. Seeing her bite her bottom lip I thrust my knee between her legs to give her something to Hump on as I bite just below her ear. A whimper escapes her lips as her hands claw at the wall. She stands on her tip toes while my knee Pushes her up the wall. I gently kiss her ear while I growl. A moan escapes. Her humping increases. Her breaths are labored. Turning her Head towards my lips her eyes open and her hands grab my face as we kiss with such passion. My hand wraps around her throat as She moans and whimpers into my mouth yet again. Our tongues dancing together. Her eyes roll back as her first orgasm of the night rocks her

I'd love to bend you over your desk at work. Hike your skirt up and pull your panties to the side. Your hands fight me trying to stop me but I grab both of your wrists in my hand and pin them to the small of your back. My free hand starts rubbing your clit feeling your wetness then slowly snaking my finger into your dripping wet cunt. Hearing you moan I push a second finger into your tight cunt. Pulling my cock out of my dress slacks I stand behind you and in one quick thrust I bottom out inside your tight cunt. Pounding away hard, you cover your mouth to keep from moaning out loud. You have me so turned on that in no time my cock swells and splashes my hot seed deep inside you. Your body slams back against me in orgasm when you feel me cum deep in you. Pushing yourself off the desk you fall to your knees in front of me and like the good slut you are for daddy you suck and clean my cock with your whore mouth making sure to not miss a drop.

Pushing you against the wall, my hand slowly and softly walks up your side while my lips kiss the softness of your skin. Your hands flat against the wall, your head falling forward in an attempt to kiss me. I pull my face away from your shoulder and as I make. Eye contact my left hand swiftly comes up and wraps around your throat and pushes back against the wall. My right knee is between your legs. Squeezing firmly and pushing your throat back I lean forward and forcefully press my lips to yours. Sucking your bottom lip in I bite down. Your eyes filled with a lustful fire. You whimper softly. Your body attempts to slide down the wall in order to grind your throbbing clit on my knee. I lift you up by the neck as I release your lip but also bring my knee up into your wet pussy.

Sneaking up behind you as you walk down the hallway and grabbing you with one hand holing your arms from behind while my other hand covers your mouth to muffle your screams. Quickly pushing the nearest door open I pull you in with me. My hand tightening around your arms to let you know you can not get away from my strong grip. I growl into your ear to let you know who it is and instantly I feel your body loosen a little. But my grip is still firm on your arms as my hand uncovers your mouth. In a soft whisper you tell no as you are at work and are afraid of getting caught. My free hand snakes under your skirt as I bite into your neck. Hooking my thumb in your panties I begin to pull then down. You step out of then leaving them balled up at your feet. Shoving your chest into the table bending you at the waist. I reach down and grab your panties and holding them to my nose as I breath in your scent. Your head turns slightly trying to face me but I only push harder into your back. Wadding your panties in my fist I quickly push them to your face and command that you open your mouth. You reluctantly comply but before a word escapes you lips I push the panties past your lip stick lips and into your mouth. While I am stuffing your dirty wet panties into your mouth, my hard cock grinds into you from behind your body relaxes slightly as I grind harder into the crack of your ass. Pulling your skirt up I free my hard cock from my pants and in a swift motion my cock spears your wet pussy from behind. You try to moan only to have your moans muffled by your panties. A couple of pushes later and I'm buried to the hilt in your hot wet pussy. I start slamming into you hard, your ass ripples as my thighs bounce on you. Our skin making slapping noises. I push down your head mashing it into the table. Your face reddens as the first orgasm courses through your body. Followed by a second and third. Your legs give out and the table supports your body. Your body goes limp as I continue to thrust deeply into you and with one final hard thrust my hips push deep into your pussy and my hot seed shoots from my cock deep inside you. My soft cocks slips from your pussy and a big drop of cum falls from your pussy lips and lands with an audible drip on the floor between your legs. I smack your ass hard one time with my hand. Stepping back as I button and zip my pants I admire the red out line my hand on your ass as the welt begins to show. I turn to walk out of the room, but before opening the door I whisper over my shoulder, "see you tonight slut".

. Open your mouth slut and suck this cock. As you struggle my precum coats your lips as I try to pry them open with my cock head. Grabbing a handful of hair I snap your head back as I step forward planting my sweaty and musky smelling nuts right on those full red lips.

Sniff those nuts slut. Breath them in.

My cock bobs right above your eyes as they cross trying to look at the glistening cock head. Your hands wrap around my calves. Your nails digging into my flesh as the oxygen is cut off to your lungs. Jerking your head away your lipstick is smeared from your lips as they fly open to gasp for air. Before they can close I shove my cock into your mouth. My cock head presses your tongue down as I push deeper and deeper. My hand gripping your hair while my other hand goes behind your neck pulling your face into my crotch as my hips push forward.

Your throat spasms as you gag. Your belly and chest heaves as your cough and spit flies out your nose and corners of your mouth covering my crotch. A long thick heavy string of your spit falls from your chin to your dress and down between your tits as a low growling laugh escapes my lips.

Look at you now little miss pretty sexytary. Drooling all over my cock like a good cock sucking whore.

I love destroying that pretty little make up covered face. Your spit coats my balls as you continue to cough and gag and heave around my thick shaft stretching your jaw and throat open. Your spit literally drips off my balls soaking the front of your dress. Your mascara and eye liner streak down your face as my cock makes squishy noises with your lips and mouth as I continue to pound your fuckable lips. Your hair wound tightly in my hand threatens to pull your scalp from your skull. Instead your hands grip my ass and pull me deeper each time I thrust forward. Eventually your throat and mouth surrender to me knowing that their place is to be a hole for me to fuck. Now to have your mind and body to follow.

As I bite into the flesh of your shoulder, my right hand wraps firmly around your throat. My left hand dances across your soft skin. A sharp intake of breath by you is quickly cut off as I squeeze your throat tighter. My left hand now moves to feel your lace panties. My teeth tugging on your flesh as my left fingers slip under your panties. My grip on your throat softens slightly allowing you to breath in. Finding your clit, my fingers dance softly in your wetness. Your hands reach for my wrists. A moan escapes your lips. Your body presses Tightly against me. Your heels click on the tile as you spread your legs wider inviting me to explore more. The touch of my fingers on your clit are so soft, you almost don't feel it, yet the electricity from my fingers electrifies your clit. The muscles in your stomach tense. Your lungs paralyzed and unable to suck in air. Your nails dig into my wrists. Your head presses tightly into my shoulder.And at that moment. Your juices flood from you, a moan so loud escapes from your lips that it has dead bodies around the world convulsing in orgasm. Your body shudders. Your teeth clenched. Your hair tingles. Your toes curl in your shoes. Every muscle in your body convulses. After the orgasm subsides, your body goes limp in my arms. I scoop you up and carry you off to bed and as I lay your head on the pillow... You softly whisper through your lips,

"Thank you Daddy, may I have another" and then a very wide evil grin spreads across your face

I could tell you about wanting to kiss you deeply while my hand is between your legs feeling your wetness. My fingers dancing around your clit and your hands clawing at my head trying to suck my tongue in deeper

Biting on your neck as I slip my middle finger into your hole. Hooking it to massage your g spot. Your nails clawing at my arm. You're biting your bottom lip to keep from screaming. Now slipping a second finger in. My palm presses against your clit as my fingers push on your g spot. My mouth finds your nipple and gently nibbles it. You're so wet that my fingers make squishy sounds as I continue massaging your g spot. You're breathing is labored. You whisper into my ear "may I cum Sir". I don't respond. I piston my fingers faster. I bite on your nipple. A groan escapes your chest. You whisper again "please Sir, may I cum" followed by a whimper. I kiss your neck then nibble your ear before in a husky growl I say, "you may pet. Cum all over my fingers".


Want to know what really bugs me? Women. They irritate the fuck out of me. Not sometimes but all the time. YES, all the god damn time. But I just can not give them up. Women are like a bad habit, probably the hardest for men to give up. It would probably be easier for men who smoke to give up smoking instead of women. I have always known food to be my weakness. But women are by far the greatest weakness that I have. I just can not get enough of them. Their beauty, their charm, their wit… just can not do it. And THAT’S why the irritate me to no end.

I have been separated and divorced from my second wife now for 2 and half years. I have had one steady relationship with a woman that lasted 5 months. Before and since, I have not be able to muster anything longer than 3 or 4 dates with a woman. Some have been positive and fun but for what ever reason we just stopped dating. But for every one that I have had an actual date with, there have been 7 or 8 who completely flake out before even the first date. We will chat, text, flirt and have some great conversations, but then bam, no more. I have yet to figure out where I am going wrong, IF I am going wrong. Fuck it isn’t ALL me, but I am still kicking myself trying to figure out where it took the wrong turn.

The latest was a woman whom I met on a dating site. (hell I have met 99% of the women I have gone out on dates through a dating site, even my ex wife) Things were going good, great banter, similar likes and dislikes. We exchanged numbers and texted some. I tried calling a couple of times but no answer. After a day of texting and a night of sleep, bam, she was gone. Will not return a text if my life depended on it. I have no clue what the hell happened. At this point, I really don’t care. Not saying I am numb or immune to it, but after a while, you do realize whats the point of being upset. If she lost interest this quickly, is that someone worth chasing and spending time with?

For the past year I have said that social media and texting have ruined dating. 20 years ago, if you wanted to date someone of the opposite sex, you actually had to talk ON the phone with them or meet up with them at a local spot. We didn’t have dating sites, social media places or apps on our phone. We actually had to meet someone out in public being at the mall or an event or a party or through a friend. Hell I remember meeting a chic in the parking lot of the local mall one Friday night. A buddy and I were walking to my car when her and her friend drove by. We both made comment on how hot they were as they drove by and obviously they heard us because they circled around and stopped for a chat. A couple of hours later (sometime around midnight because the cops ran us off) I had her number and a date lined out. Seems back then I could more dates than I do now. I guess as I am getting older, my game is slipping. Fast forward 20 years and I am struggling to get a woman to have a follow up conversation with me the next day after we both go to sleep and a day at work. WOMEN!!!!

Whether it’s the men are from Mars thing or monthly visitor, or man hating or whatever their crutch for the day is against men, it is an ongoing cycle. Women say they want a man who is sensitive and caring and willing to walk grandma across the road while singing Luke Bryan and painting stars in the sky while driving a truck and running his fingers through her hair yet what do women do for us in return besides irritating the fuck out of us? NOT A GOD DAMN THING!! Women are always gimmie gimmie gimmie and when a guy asks for something in return we are blasted and degraded and accused of being pigs. Damn honey, I just asked for a response to my 14 million hellos trying to figure out why the fuck you stopped talking to me. Is that too much to ask?

Like I said, texting and social media has ruined it for us. You can carry on as many conversations through text and private messaging that you can keep up with. The second you go to sleep or head to work or hell, take 10 minutes for a shower, another 10 guys swoop in and you are nothing but a voice in the wind being carried far far away.

Don’t sit there and accuse a man of being a player and uncommitted to a woman when you yourself are just as guilty as we are. I would be lying if I said I am free of guilty from carrying on multiple conversations at once because I have, do now and probably will in the future. But if I have a true and genuine interest in you, I will let it be known. I am not in the business of playing with emotions and cutting open hearts. I am in the business of finding that one lady who will lasso my soul, massage my heart and fuck my mind until the end of time. Until she comes along, I suppose I will still be irritated by women, fuck I am sure I will still be irritated by her even after that, but at least it will be ONE woman and not the entire clan of women.


I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Monday, November 11, 2013

This past year

As I reflect back on the past 12 months, there has been a lot of change in my life. For the first time in a long time, I had a great year. I did have some downs, but the ups FAR out weigh the downs. To compare my ups, if there were a BCS poll for my year, I would rank it in the top five of all time. A year ago, I celebrated my 40th birthday. My best friends took me to a great restaurant followed by my first trip to a casino. 4 pitchers of mojitos, down 100 dollars at the casino, the night ended with a bang and a damn good celebration.

I reflected on the first 40 years of my life and although it seems as if it has flown by, I still thought to myself that I have accomplished, experienced and enjoyed the first 40 years of my life. I sure hope that I have 40 more in me, and that the next 40 years are filled with fun, joy, pleasure, pain, heart ache, triumph, victory, laughter, tears, etc as much , if not more than the first 40. I am still young, and still have many things left that I want to experience.

They say the way you spend your new years eve is what your year will be like. Well, I spent time with friends partying it up on new years, so what have I been doing this whole year? Yep, you guessed it, having a good ole time, hanging with friends, taking trips, exploring and having a grand ole time. There really hasn’t been much of a dull moment this past year. To say I have had fun is an under statement since I have had a great time.

I took a trip to California this past May to visit some new friends. The first cross country trip by myself since high school. Although, when I went cross country in high school, I was still visiting family. This time though, it was to meet some new friends, new in a sense that I had never met them before. In the coming weeks I will blog about that trip. Even though that trip was 6 months ago, I still remember it like it was last week. That is how much fun I did have.

In June I started dating a beautiful lady (yes, she knows about my alternative lifestyle, reads my blog AND follows me on twitter) and to say the least, she does make me smile, feel good and has put some pep in my step, not to mention inflate my already over inflated ego. Damn, did you feel that? I think the earth just shifted from everyone rolling their eyes at the same time at me and my ego. HA, get over it. It is MY ego and NOT yours. I do love her and everything she is, not to mention she calls me Daddy. SCHWING!!!!!!!

This past year has started a new chapter in my life. Last year, at midnight of my 40th birthday, I took 8 shots of bourbon. One for my birthday, 6 for the past 6 years of a marriage that ended up failing and one final one for my future. I drank to the present, the past and my future. A future that is uncertain, but looks good so far.

In closing, life is what YOU make of it. Do you want to sit around, sulk, feel sorry for yourself? Then by all means, you go ahead and do that. Or do you want to get up, do what YOU want and enjoy what life has to offer? Then lets go, I am driving and we are going to enjoy ourselves and experience what ever is out there for us. I know that’s what I am going to do.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


Back in December my life took a sever downward spiral. So sever that I did make an attempt to end it by my own hands. I've always said I've never been afraid of death. And that day I was not afraid to go through with what I felt I needed, no, wanted to do.  (Wow this is hard). There are something's that... I can't even put it into words. I just can't. 

A year ago this last January I lost a friend to suicide. He just went through a nasty divorce and I thought he was on a better path in life. His kids still loved him. His company was thriving. Even met a wonderful woman who I thought was worlds better than his previous wife. I saw him before Christmas and the world was his to conquer. I know because he told me so. He and I made plans to play golf that coming spring and even started talking about taking a week and playing golf in Alabama on the Bobby Jones trail. 

Christmas comes and I see his oldest posting pictures in Facebook of his new mustang that dad bought him for Xmas. His 3 daughters received matching charm bracelets. For New Years he took his kids and new girlfriend to Hawaii and rang in the new year on the beach. 

I was driving back to my office from lunch a couple of weeks later when I was sitting at a red light and thought I'd jump on twitter. I saw a hash tag that said prayfor....  When I clicked on it to check it out I started seeing all of these "thinking of you" and "praying for you" comments. I immediately started texting a couple of people and the immediate response I got was my friend who was just recently happy and doing good had decided to end his own life.  I really don't remember much more of that day and even reliving this, I feel that same numb and light headed feeling coming over me. 

I went to the funeral and it was difficult to say the least. Seeing his kids I did my best to keep it together. Looking at his son who I had coached when he was younger in baseball and football I had all these emotions come flooding back into me and my soul that for so long I had done my best to keep locked and hidden away. I could see these same emotions in him. I went straight to him, fuck standing in a line for my turn. I went straight to him and hugged him as hard as I could. He hugged me back just as hard and began to flood my shirt with his tears. His oldest sister came to me and hugged me at the waist while I was doing my best to keep from losing it. When I opened my eyes most of the people had their eyes on us with enough tears to float a navy. 

I spent that following weekend with his son. He and I tossing a baseball and chatting about his dad. The question that was asked the most was "Why?"  I had no answers. All I had was don't think about the why. Remember the good times you had. The fishing trips. The golf outings. The vacations and burning the clutch up in the car learning how to drive.  I remember taking my buddy to pick his car up at the dealership after it was repaired and laughing at how much the repair bill was. I even commented, I wish I could laugh at spending that kind of money at fixing something.  That weekend was one of healing for us both. And I know his son came away a stronger and more compassionate young man. 

Come December, he was one of the memories that flashed through my mind when I was staring at what I thought was going to be the end of my life.  I wonder if he stepped in and helped out a stop to it.  When I think back to that day he ended his life I wonder if he had the same thoughts as me. Not thoughts of am I sure I want to go through with this or who will find me etc. but the thoughts of why has my life come to this?  

I spent several weeks in rehab. And daily visits from a shrink.  One thing that he kept asking me is will I try to harm myself again?  I finally came to the conclusion that my answer didn't really matter to him. He wanted me to think back to what I tried to do and promise myself to no relive that pain and hurt and come away with a sense that my life does matter and that life does in fact move on. At some point you have to shit or get off the pot sort of speak. 

So I stopped wallowing on self pity. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and playing the whoa is me bullshit. And I decided that I am going to live life for me. I'm not really a mean or a bad person, but mark my words. Any fucker that tries to come between me and the life ahead of me in an attempt to hold me down and prevent me from doing what I want to do is going to get chewed up. I won't spit them back out because there will not be anything left of them when I'm done.  Don't believe me?  Try me. I will NOT be held responsible for what happens. 

Bottom line is this. Life will move on. With or with out you is your choice. Then, I didn't care. Now, I'm going to own my life and make life MY BITCH!!!


I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears. 

New post

I haven’t blogged in sometime, and recently I have wanted to, but I have either been a little busy with work, or when the time comes, I just stare at a blank page with no thoughts in my mind.  So much has transpired since I last wrote on my blog that I wouldn’t know where to begin to tell you about any of it.  Hopefully this will be the first of many posts to come in the future, and at various times and through other posts, I can let you know what is going on and what has happened in my life. 

Probably the most significant change in my life is the divorce I went through.  My divorce was final at the end of October in 2012.  I closed out that chapter in my life by celebrating my 40th birthday with 4 of my closest (only) friends.  That weekend was filled with laughter, tears, good times and some heart ache.  That weekend I took sometime to reflect back on all that I have done in my first 40 years.  While life seems to move at a fast pace leaving us to wonder many times “where has time gone?”, I also realized that I have done, fulfilled and lived quite a bit.  But I also know that I have so much more in life that I want to see, do and accomplish.  So, I hope I have at least another 30 years in me, because I plan on using every moment I have to the fullest extent to complete my life.

So here I am now in my life and I have come to realize that most everything in life is trivial and really doesn't matter a week from now. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in what you do today affects your tomorrow and your yesterday influenced today.  So I plan on doing more for me and less for others. I will still do for others and be there for my friends when they need me. Hell even when they don't need me I will be there. What I mean is I'm going to start on the things that I want to accomplish in my next 30 years. I've always thought that I had to be with someone to be able to do anything and being alone meant I wasn't allowed to do anything. Well I've come to realize that's bull shit. No more. Next time you see someone eating alone in a restaurant or sitting alone in a theater, stop and think before you feel sorry for them.  Just maybe that person is happy being alone. I know I am. Now I'm still searching for the one. And she could just be around the corner. But until I meet her I'm still going to do for me. I just hope she is willing to ride along with me. 

With that said I am going to end my first post in sometime. I have a thought on the next one and I'm going to start gathering my thoughts. It's going to be hard writing that one. Maybe the hardest I've written. 


I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.