Tuesday, August 26, 2014

My own fear of my inner beast

I have been asked to be more aggressive. I have been asked to let my inner beast out to which I have replied I am afraid of my inner beast. I’ve gotten chuckles and eye rolls because of that comment. But what these people fail to realize is that it truly is a fear of mine. There is one time that I did completely let myself go in a scene, one time. I will not go into details about that, but it was a mutually agreed upon rape scene. The aftermath of that still somewhat haunts me as to the violence and brutality that we both experienced in that scene. I don’t replay it in my head anymore because it ends up giving me a headache, but the fact is that 1) I was capable of such an act and 2) I went through it does leave me feeling uneasy. Side note, after the dust had settled, breathing somewhat returned to normal and we both came out of our respective mental highs, we agreed it was the most intense, yet most satisfying event ever, actually at the time of this writing, it still IS for me.

Which brings me to my point about why I am afraid if my inner beast. I have always been told even as a child to not be so rough because I don’t know my own strength as compared to others. When I played sports during my younger years, I was a good strong one to have on a team. It just something that came natural to me. Out of high school, I worked a couple of factory and production jobs where my strength got me the job. I have always been physically strong.

Sure people say they like it rough and are tough enough to be truly man handled by me or another man. Maybe that person is. But take a moment and step into my shoes, or better, into my mind.

I truly believe there are times that the sub/bottom using a safe word is not a good thing. Let me expand on this. Most times a safe word is used, it is to stop some sort of physical pain whether it be from a spanking or an attempt at anal sex or your safe word is used to end a scene because it has become too emotional for you. Say you do not like confinement but wish to experience tight bondage, maybe even suspension but the anxiety of this act becomes to much and you must use your safe word to end it and become freed as to help curb your anxiety. Often time people push themselves to help over come a fear and will use their safe word when they want to stop. So far the use of the safe word is because the sub/bottom felt they were at the peak of what they could handle and want to stop. With me so far? Good.

So lets say I just let myself go, let my inner beast take over and I wrap my hand around your throat, push you to the wall, even slightly lift you to enforce the aggressiveness of the act before I lean in to kiss you, or bite your shoulder or whatever is about to happen. However in your mind, this act is too much for you and you use your safe word to which I abide. At that point it is too late. The damage is done, maybe physically, but mostly mentally and emotionally because the line was crossed between pleasure and true fear.

Now, lets look at it from why I said it was bad, especially in the aspect of me letting my inner beast out. Back to the hand around the throat and I don’t know my own strength and I truly do physically hurt you in a bad way. So lets say I do let myself go and push you to the point of using your safe word out of true fear, but by the time your safe word is used, the damage is done physically or emotionally. I am not out for abuse, nor do I get off on inflicting it. Its one thing to build up to a point of you saying, “ok that’s enough for today” but its something else to just go bam and actually create an unsafe environment.

As I type this out, I have worked and sorted this out in my head a little more. The word sane just came to mind. Maybe I should state that in order to remain sane in this situation or scene, I work to keep my inner beast at bay, in a locked cage with in. I always, in my opinion, practice safely, sanely and in a consensual manner. With that said, I do have the forethought to know to keep my inner beast caged and under lock and key to prevent myself from playing in an unsafe, insane and non-consensual manner. Call it being preventive or proactive instead of reactive because if youre to the point of reacting, you could or probably are too late.

In the fantasy world, there are those who love the aggressive, the beast, the demon within us all. We all have that primal aspect to sex and to scenes. We all love it to some degree. However, in reality I have seen myself what I am capable of and how it scares ME, that is why I choose to keep my inner beast, my demon locked in a cage. Will I let him out? I am sure some day he will be released. But the trust to let him out is not to make sure he doesn’t hurt someone, but the trust is to make sure YOU are ready for him.

My closing thought is this, at the end of the day we all know our own limits, no one else knows them better than ones self. But sometimes you do need to exercise caution when challenging someone to let themselves go. We all have inner struggles with things and often times we don’t take that into consideration before asking someone to partake in something. Just keep that in mind the next time you ask someone to let themselves go. That person may not know their own strength and it is YOU that ends up hurt.


I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

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