Suicide

Back in December my life took a sever downward spiral. So sever that I did make an attempt to end it by my own hands. I've always said I've never been afraid of death. And that day I was not afraid to go through with what I felt I needed, no, wanted to do.  (Wow this is hard). There are something's that... I can't even put it into words. I just can't. 

A year ago this last January I lost a friend to suicide. He just went through a nasty divorce and I thought he was on a better path in life. His kids still loved him. His company was thriving. Even met a wonderful woman who I thought was worlds better than his previous wife. I saw him before Christmas and the world was his to conquer. I know because he told me so. He and I made plans to play golf that coming spring and even started talking about taking a week and playing golf in Alabama on the Bobby Jones trail. 

Christmas comes and I see his oldest posting pictures in Facebook of his new mustang that dad bought him for Xmas. His 3 daughters received matching charm bracelets. For New Years he took his kids and new girlfriend to Hawaii and rang in the new year on the beach. 

I was driving back to my office from lunch a couple of weeks later when I was sitting at a red light and thought I'd jump on twitter. I saw a hash tag that said prayfor....  When I clicked on it to check it out I started seeing all of these "thinking of you" and "praying for you" comments. I immediately started texting a couple of people and the immediate response I got was my friend who was just recently happy and doing good had decided to end his own life.  I really don't remember much more of that day and even reliving this, I feel that same numb and light headed feeling coming over me. 

I went to the funeral and it was difficult to say the least. Seeing his kids I did my best to keep it together. Looking at his son who I had coached when he was younger in baseball and football I had all these emotions come flooding back into me and my soul that for so long I had done my best to keep locked and hidden away. I could see these same emotions in him. I went straight to him, fuck standing in a line for my turn. I went straight to him and hugged him as hard as I could. He hugged me back just as hard and began to flood my shirt with his tears. His oldest sister came to me and hugged me at the waist while I was doing my best to keep from losing it. When I opened my eyes most of the people had their eyes on us with enough tears to float a navy. 

I spent that following weekend with his son. He and I tossing a baseball and chatting about his dad. The question that was asked the most was "Why?"  I had no answers. All I had was don't think about the why. Remember the good times you had. The fishing trips. The golf outings. The vacations and burning the clutch up in the car learning how to drive.  I remember taking my buddy to pick his car up at the dealership after it was repaired and laughing at how much the repair bill was. I even commented, I wish I could laugh at spending that kind of money at fixing something.  That weekend was one of healing for us both. And I know his son came away a stronger and more compassionate young man. 

Come December, he was one of the memories that flashed through my mind when I was staring at what I thought was going to be the end of my life.  I wonder if he stepped in and helped out a stop to it.  When I think back to that day he ended his life I wonder if he had the same thoughts as me. Not thoughts of am I sure I want to go through with this or who will find me etc. but the thoughts of why has my life come to this?  

I spent several weeks in rehab. And daily visits from a shrink.  One thing that he kept asking me is will I try to harm myself again?  I finally came to the conclusion that my answer didn't really matter to him. He wanted me to think back to what I tried to do and promise myself to no relive that pain and hurt and come away with a sense that my life does matter and that life does in fact move on. At some point you have to shit or get off the pot sort of speak. 

So I stopped wallowing on self pity. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and playing the whoa is me bullshit. And I decided that I am going to live life for me. I'm not really a mean or a bad person, but mark my words. Any fucker that tries to come between me and the life ahead of me in an attempt to hold me down and prevent me from doing what I want to do is going to get chewed up. I won't spit them back out because there will not be anything left of them when I'm done.  Don't believe me?  Try me. I will NOT be held responsible for what happens. 

Bottom line is this. Life will move on. With or with out you is your choice. Then, I didn't care. Now, I'm going to own my life and make life MY BITCH!!!

Me

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.