A personal note

So it’s been a few weeks since I have posted on here. I have started many but just could not get my mind to settle down and finish. Here the past few months it seems my mind is going in a million different directions. Work has been beyond crazy. Outside of work has been very busy with the new part time job that I now have.

I have a huge love for football. As far as I am concerned it is one of, if not THE greatest sport out there. For the past 10 years I was a football coach, molding and developing the future football stars to be seen on the fields of battle on Saturdays and Sundays. This year, I decided to take a different approach and become a football official. Holy cow. What a rush. I thought coaching was fun, being an official is even more fun. Last night I had a game and was actually throwing myself into the middle of some extra curricular activity that was taking place AFTER the whistle had blown. For those of you who are not sports oriented, that means players from the opposite sides of the ball decided to have some not so friendly words, do some shoving amongst one another and sometimes take a swing at someone. So here I am, right in the middle, no helmet or pads like these young men are wearing and I am breaking them up and separating them. Some of you have met me and know how big and strong I am. HA!!! I don’t compare to these young men, yet I jump in and do my best to keep from getting punched. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

I have also started working out with a personal trainer. Check a previous post about being a masochist. Well, just to give you an update, the intensity and the pain has been amped up. Seems I am improving, getting stronger, more stamina and I am asking for more. What a fucking idiot I am. The last time I went, it was 30 minutes on the elliptical, which by the way, when I first started I could not go 5 minutes without some sort of pain that would cause me to stop for a breather. Now I am going 30 minutes non stop. The burn and heat radiating from my thighs is so intense, I swear you could fry bacon and eggs on them. The other day he had me doing some sort of press with my arms on this machine. After the first one I stopped. He asked if everything was alright and I said sure. The next thing that escaped my lips was probably the most idiotic thing I have ever said in my life to a man that is considered by me a sadistic evil bastard. “Is that all you have for me? Come on, put more weight on there and let’s work out.” DUMB ASS!!!!!! Next thing I know we now have 200 pounds instead of 100 pounds on the bar and I am to bust out 3 sets of 10. So, I tell myself, no problem. DUMB ASS!!!!! After 5, I am grunting and straining and thinking and then saying DUMB ASS!!!!!! That’s 200 pounds on each arm, and it is a one arm press away from my body. DUMB ASS!!!!!! I finished my 30 and walked to get a drink of water. I couldn’t even lift up my arm to push the water fountain button. Laugh it up fuckers. Go ahead. I am so glad that I can amuse and humor you. HA HA!!

Let’s see, what else is going on? Oh, I have a birthday coming up. Normally I wouldn’t mention it. I am not one to ask for gifts, expect some celebration or anything like that. But damn it, I have reached the end of my always doing for others and not expecting or wanting anything in return. So now, for fucks sake, I want others to do for me. You know what I mean. I want a party. I want everyone to buy me drinks on my birthday. I want presents. I think I am going to create a wish list and post on here. If anyone wants to get me a gift, I will gladly give you an address to send it to. No obligation of course. I am not that greedy. Well, except for fig Newton’s. DON’T TOUCH MY FIG NEWTONS YOUR BASTARD!!!!!

I mentioned my mind is going in a million different directions. Well, here are just some ramblings that are going on behind closed doors. Well great, now that I am going to type those thoughts out, those fucking voices in my head have decided to lie down and take a nap. WAKE UP FUCKERS, YOU AINT GETTING OFF THAT FUCKING EASY!!! Damn, I hear crickets in my head. It’s just a star filled clear sky in my head, out in a field, crickets chirping, and soft wind rustling though the tall grass. An owl off in the distance hootie hoots. Damn I wish I were there now. I would throw my head back, close my eyes. Stretch my arms out to my side. Palms up and take the deepest breath. And then let out a howl that would make the werewolf himself cringe.

Recently, I have realized who my true friends are. And I have realized that I have very few friends. A whole lot less than I realized. I am not going to dwell on the negativity of this. And I don’t want to sound self centered or selfish. But if you’re going to tell someone you are their friend, then by all means, be that friend. You don’t always have to be at their beck and call, but if someone reaches out to you, then offer them a hand to grab a hold of. People come and go in life. Doors open and they close. To me, I live in a world with no doors. At least I don’t want doors. I might keep you at arms length, or not respond to a text, email or message, but that does not mean I have closed and locked a door on you. I might come across as a cold hearted bastard, but when you peel the many layers of harden skin, knock down the numerous walls, you will learn I am really a softie. But I still know what’s going on. I still keep tabs on you or you, and even you. But I will not intervene, or step toward you not because I am one that wants to be approached. But because I am one to keep my distance and observe.

So, I hope everyone has learned a little about me today. Hope you learned about the man that I am outside of BDSM. I have given you a peak into my personal life. With that said, I want to personally thank you for reading.

Me

I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.