Friday, June 10, 2011

Shut up and listen

The other day I trued to write a post, but I just couldn’t come up with anything. Lately I have been down in the dumps and I just can’t seem to pull myself out of it. Maybe I need to seek professional help. Can you imagine how that will go? “Hey Doc, I am really screwed up. Can you believe the other day I though of fucking a squirrel?” Wait, did I just type that? Ok. I have never taken drugs, so I do not know where that came from other than my fingers just typing it out.

For those of you that know me, sometimes I get down in the dumps. Hell we all do. Sometimes we just need a good ear that will listen to us bitch and whine. Some people write in a blog. Some will text a friend. Others will pay someone to let them lie on a coach and spill their life story out. I would much rather pay for a blowjob then pay someone to listen to me talk. Hell, I think most guys would much rather have a blowjob then talk to a complete stranger. The exceptions are the gay guys. No offense. Sometimes I turn to comedy. Just the other day I was talking with someone and I made a sly grin. That person laughed at me and said you have the biggest shit eating grin. I stopped for a second, and thought. I have made that comment many many times, but never stopped to think about it. And that day, the more I thought about it, the sicker I got to my stomach. I mean, seriously, would you be grinning after eating shit? “YUMM THIS SHIT IS AWESOME!! LOOK AT ME SMILE!!!” Hold on while I wretch into the trash can.

The other day I was talking to another friend and she was all upset about something. Being the concerned type, I asked her what was wrong. She tells me she is in a bind. I am thinking, great, she needs money to get through the week. Hey, we all fall on hard times. I’ll help a friend in need if I can. Naturally, I asked her how much money she needed. A small grin came across her face and she said, ya know, I can always count on you to be there for me. But I do not need money. Thank you for offering. Well, then. What the hell are you in a bind about? “Well, I don’t know where to go to college. Should I go here and do this or stay here and do that?” I slapped myself on the forehead and said honey, if that’s all you have to worry about, you are doing just fine.

At some point in time we have experienced hard times. Short on money. Losing a job. Losing a loved one. A 4 hour erection that won’t go down. Oh to be 19 again. But the one constant thing in life is this. We always seem to rebound and come out of it stronger. Yes even after a 4 hour erection. A guy might not be able to grip a pen for a week, but his forearm is much stronger after a 4 hour erection.

Speaking of 4 hour erections. I love hearing those commercials where they talk about 4 hour erections. What is the cure for that? Next time I go in for a check up, I think I will ask my doctor. She will love answering that. So Doc (who by the way is a small petite Indian woman, you know Hindu.) how do you treat a 4 hour erection? Do you line the nurses up with a tube of KY and have them start stroking it until it finally peters out? Although, in my case, I would love for the Doc to just climb on board and take care of it for me. Holy shit she is a fine looking woman. Not to mention her nurse is the twin of the chic who plays Callie on Grey’s Anatomy. Another boner in my book. Hmmm Maybe a 3 way with those too. Talk about a game of Doctor. Hold that thought, I think I have a 4 hour erection coming on. Ok. I am done. Can someone hand me a towel please?

Where was I? Oh yea, hard times. Yes even I fall on hard times. Sometimes I just want that ear to listen to me. You don’t need to say a word. No need to pat me on the back and say don’t worry, it will be ok. No shit, I know that. Just sit there and listen. Please. Thank you. I know it will be ok. I know things will get better. I just want to talk and you listen. Now can I have a ham sandwich?

Bottom line is this. Life is a roller coaster filled with peaks and valleys. You learn to enjoy the climb to the peaks and the view from the top. And you learn to deal with the downhill slide and the valleys. You just hope those uphill’s are a lot longer then those downhill’s and the peaks are more of a plateau then a sharp one.


I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

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