Patience

The other day I was doing some thinking about this lifestyle and how I have progressed in my life. I used to be the type that had no patience. I put expectations on people before I had a chance to get to know them, let alone meet them. I was always quick to jump to conclusions. I always thought that life was going to pass me by without me. After countless times of feeling let down and hurt, I took sometime to myself and stepped away. I analyzed myself and where the breakdowns and hurt was coming from. I realized I was impatient. I wanted things right then. Someone once told me that not everyone could be what I wanted or expected them to be. Another person told me that you can not force things on anyone. I learned that patience was the best. I learned that good things DO come to those who wait. Rome was not built in a day. We shouldn't expect anything to happen over night. In my vanilla life, I was being a friend to someone and I told them that life is only overwhelming if you allow it to stress you out. Take things one at a time. At the end of the day, life always seems to work itself out. Life is funny like that.

Many times I come across people in this lifestyle who want now, who expect now, who demand now. What do I tell them? Be patient. And how many times do I get an eye roll or I cant be patient? TOO DAMN MANY. if you can not learn to exercise self control and have patience, then you will be nothing more then a friend to me. If you can demonstrate those things, then I would consider more. Too many times I have pissed someone off by saying this. Guess what, I am here for me. If you want to ride this train with me, then please follow my lead and simple instructions. If not, then don't even fucking get on. Period. One of the quickest ways to get on my bad side is to push me. Push me and I will do one of two things. Push back and harder, or walk away. Ask anyone who really knows me about pushing back. It is not a good thing. Patience is a virtue. Whoever coined that phrase is right on the money. I can not tell you how many times I have exercised patience that before I needed to make my decision, it worked itself out.

Another discussion I had once was about eagerness vs impatience. Eagerness is a lot different. Eagerness can fall into the category of being willing, being open. Being eager is a good thing. Being eager is a sign of wanting to learn, and be taught. I like someone that is eager to learn. There is a big difference between the two. A person who is eager is easy to teach. They are a sponge, looking to soak anything and everything up. It is possible that an eager person can turn impatient.

My final thought is this. Being inpatient can put you or someone else at risk. And in this lifestyle, hell in any lifestyle, putting someone at risk is not a good thing. So don't do it. Don't allow someone to put you at risk. Patience truly is a virtue. Learn patience if you do not already know it.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Pleasure VS Abuse

I have a friend that this week I started talking to her about the BDSM lifestyle. This is a woman who I met outside this lifestyle and the more I chatted and talked with her, the more my freakdar was telling me this woman has a freaky and wild side hidden underneath. When we first started talking she would tell me that she didn't like to be spanked or anything like that. But the more I talked to her, the more I could tell she DOES like to give up control. Well, we have had a breakthrough ladies and gentleman. After asking the right questions, she has now admitted to wanting to be spanked and Dominated, and even has a Dominate streak in her. YES!!!!!! Another convert. Never let it be said I am not working hard to bring the vanilla people over. I have learned recently that it is best to not come right and tell people about my lifestyle. I have scared a few too many off just by bringing my paddle out or mentioning a flogger or even mentioning BDSM in general. I have learned it is best to sit back, exercise patience, (where have I heard that before?) and observe. I started with a woman who tells me she is turned off by the thought of being spanked to finally pulling out of her, with a few well asked, well worded questions, that under her skin, she is a freak. Is into being spanked. Hell, she even has thoughts of being the one in control. As I chatted with her, I did learn something and that is what I am going to talk about today.

I know I have written about this before, but I want to touch on it again. It is the fact that there are many people out there who are amatures and novices and they are practicing in an unsafe manner in this lifestyle. Because of their lack of knowledge and the abuse they hand out, it gives us a bad name. Just mentioning BDSM, and many people immediately judge you as an abuser. I have had many many conversations with people about this and doing my best to assure those and anyone else who will listen that this is not about abuse. It is not about hauling off and beating someone. There are a lot of us out there who would love to take these assholes that are giving us a bad name and abuse the fuck out of them. But the ones who actually practice and live this lifestyle know the difference between abuse and pleasure.

The other day I came across a website, I don't remember what it was, but at first, I was loving the site. Showed women in some tight bondage. Flogging. Humiliation. Some awesome looking furniture. Great rope skills. Some hot sex. You get the picture. But the more I thought about this website, the more I realized something. This website and any others like it are fueling the ideas and thoughts of abuse associated with this lifestyle. If you take time to look at these videos on this site, you will see a lot of the girls (actresses) who are getting off. But they also display the look of fear on their faces. Having a ball gag in, and someone taking a cane to their ass. The tears might be real, but it is sending the wrong message. The message is, it is not BDSM unless you are scaring the fuck out of the submissive, beating and abusing him/her, making the sub cry and beg for mercy, etc etc. What the video does NOT show is the negotiations before hand. It doesn't tell you that the people in the videos are into this. Their scene is, I want to cry. I want to be beat etc etc. At the end of the video, it shows the participants sitting around, discussing the scene. Asking how one another is. so on and so forth. In a sense, it is showing the after care involved.

I have said it before, nothing pisses me off more then closed, narrow minded assholes. If you want to damn me for my lifestyle choice, make damn sure you are doing it with all the facts and knowledge. If your facts and knowledge came from a porno, remember, the actors and actresses in the porno are paid individuals. They are acting. The marks are real. The tears are real, but it does not say this is how it has to be. These are people who WANT to do this. Who WANT this. Who NEED this. These are not people doing this against their will. They are of sound mind and body. They know what they are doing..... Does everyone get my point? Nod your head and repeat after me.... "Yes Sir, I understand." Good. That's what I like to hear.

My final thought is this. Too many people out there think they know how to spank, flog or paddle someone. If you are in this lifestyle and want to do these things. Please make sure you have the proper training. Don't just haul off and swat someone. Discuss it before hand. Open dialog with that person. Know how to swat, swing a flogger or bare hand spank someone. If you don't know then I encourage you to seek out someone who can show you. A local group. Buy a book. Ask others in the lifestyle. But please, don't abuse someone without their consent. If you do, then you will be the next one I blog about and I can assure you, it will not be as nice as this one. You fuckers are starting to piss me off.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Kinky??

What is your definition of kinky? I ask this question a lot. I ask it to people I interact with on a personal and private level. Most often, my question is answered with the same question. Goes to show people are one of two things. Either shy about sharing their personal thoughts or are afraid of being looked down upon. After some prodding, the answers varies. It all depends on your thinking. Some say kinky to them is doing it in the kitchen, or with the lights on. Or maybe even a different position. To others it ranges from using a toy to whips and chains. It all depends on who we are and our experiences.

I once took some time to myself to think what my answer to the question is. My conclusion is I don't think I have a kinky side. 3 way? Done that. 2 women? Done that. Whips and chains? Hello!!!.... Done that. Outside? Done that. During the day outside? Done that. So then I thought some more. Maybe kinky to me is the abnormal aspect of sex. What is abnormal then? Hell who knows. It is all a matter of opinion. So, if we take the aspect of my opinion is different from you then let's just say that sex is sex. No matter what it is.

So if sex is just sex, then why are there some many judgemental people out there? Why do they judge me or you because we like ropes, whips and chains? Why do they stand outside bookstores and take your picture? My God people. Get on with your life and stop concerning yourself with how I choose to live mine. Get over your high and mighty self. I think those who choose to judge me, hell judge anyone for that fact are nothing but fucking assholes. They need to have their ass reamed by a fucking large object. Now, that is kinky. Fisting. Anal fisting is even better.

Staying on subject here, what is kinky...??? Recently I was chatting with a female friend and I mentioned I was holding back on her. She asked why? I told her I didn't want to scare her off. She has gained a new interest in this lifestyle. She reads my blog and I will bet anyone else reading a million dollars she is blushing beet red right now. Right? Damn skippy I am right. I know she is. Hell, I can see her in my mind right now and how red her face is. Right about now, she has sent me a message about mentioning her. I love fucking with people. Mind fucking is a great tool. Give me a small crack and I will exploit it. She kept telling me she is unshockable. HA! I am unshockable. Anyone who knows me, knows this is true. I decided to push the edge here. So I came up with some things. When I was done, she was shocked. And she told me it was a good thing. There is an animal in her that is waiting for the lock to be taken off the cage.

My final thought is this. Each and everyone of us is different in our own unique way. Not only in our looks, finger prints, etc but also our inner self. Our thoughts, our opinions, hell even our definition of kinky. Some of you I have shared thoughts with. Some of you have shared yours. If anyone else wants to share thoughts, then by all means get a hole of me. I love a good stimulating conversation. Don't be afraid. I don't bite.... hard.

Again, I look forward to your comments. Many of you comment, but choose to do some via a private message. I am asking to share your thoughts and comments here so maybe it will open up some friendly discussions. Thanks for taking time to read my blog. I do it for you, the readers.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

I once had a domestic slave

I was sitting here looking at my desk this morning and thinking what a freaking mess it is. End of year reports, sales reports, hell I even have a report on how often an employee is late. (thanks to one of my coworkers) As I am looking at this, I am thinking, wouldn't it be nice to have a domestic slave. That reminded me of a female servant I had once. I remember we were talking one night and I expressed how I hate cooking for one and cleaning my apartment. I kept a tidy place, but cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, dusting... You get the point. She offered to come by and clean my apartment. Do laundry on her days off. She even volunteered to get all the dust bunnies from under the bed. All she asked in return was an occasional play. The first time she came over, I was a little under the weather. As I slept in bed, under the warm covers, she did a thorough cleaning of my apartment. Cleaned out the stove. Even hauled my clothes to the laundry mat. When all was done, she made me a pot of home made soup. YUMMM!!!!!!!

She did such a fine job, the only way I could repay her was to have good long session with her. All the stops were pulled out. Clamps, rope, chains, flogger, crop(which broke over her ass), hell I even pulled out the cane. When play time was over, I was dripping sweat. My shoulders were sore from swinging the flogger. I wonder if I can put a "swing counter" on my arm to tell me how many times I swing a flogger. My final act before cutting her free, I took my 1/4" wooden cane and swatted my first initial into her left ass cheek.

I wrote in my previous blog about aftercare of a submissive after a scene. Let me touch on that a little more here. When we were done, I used a soft cotton towel to wipe the sweat from her body. I then took her to the bed, laid her face down on the bed. I then took some vitamin E lotion and gently massaged it into her red and swollen ass. Her hot skin soaked it right up. I took some warm cocoa butter and massaged her lower back and shoulders. Slowly and firmly kneading her neck and shoulders. I then moved down to the backs of her legs, making sure to spend a lot of time on her calves and feet. As she relaxed, I could see her breathing slowing down. She was taking longer and deeper breaths. When I finally heard the faint snore, I knew my work was done. After I showered, I joined her in bed, making sure to roll her onto her side and holding her in my arms as she enjoyed a good deep sleep.

See, I am a nice guy. Take care of me, I will take care of you. Many of you know me and know I am a nice guy. I always believe treat others the way you want to be treated. Fuck with me, I will fuck with you back. If I treat you with kindness and respect, I expect the same in return.

I miss my domestic slave I had. She was a great thing. She ended up getting transferred to another state with her job. I considered moving to the same town, but soon realized that the long term chemistry between us was not there. From time to time I hear from her and I know she will be reading this entry. She by far was one of the good ones. She still is one of the good ones.

My final thought is this. In this lifestyle, there are many types. Some good, some bad. Domestic slaves, pain sluts and hard core Sadists. Everyone is unique in their own , sometimes quirky ways. Everyone brings something different to the table. I enjoy making new friends in this lifestyle. Discussing ideas and views with others. By now, you know I love friendly banter and in depth conversations. Just because you read something in her about me doesn't mean that is me to the core and there is no compromise. I am a compromising guy. I am flexible. I can be fun and kidding. But I can also be strict and stern. I can be a teddy bear of the biggest asshole of all time.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Domspace

I have a friend I converse with who just doesn't seem to understand that you can have a scene and not include sex in some form or fashion. Now according to a former president of the United States, getting a blow job is not sex. I guess it is how you interpret sex. Me, it all is. I have scened many times and not received any form of sex during, before or after of said scene. That isn't saying I have not been in a sexual relationship with that submissive/bottom. Currently I have another friend, a mutual friend between myself and said friend who doesn't seem to comprehend this.

Some people look at this lifestyle as foreplay. Nothing wrong there. Myself included. Nothing gets my blood boiling more then a woman laid across my lap, pants & panties pulled down to her ankles, my left arm across her back holding her in place, my right leg over her legs, trapping them and my right hand swatting at a bare naked ass. My left hand available for the occasional hand that reaches back to block my next swat. Hearing the sobs, moans and the occasional sniffle. Admiring the welts from my hand. The stinging in my fingers. The redness, the heat emitting for her ass...... Oh What a thrill.

Many times I have witnessed, even sent a sub into subspace. I once asked someone the question, "Is there such a thing as Domspace?" The answer was yes there is. The feeling I gain in Domspace is euphoric. The calm that comes over me. The feeling of emptiness in my mind. The release of the negative energy within me. The high that comes from it. When I do achieve Domspace, it is better then having an orgasm. Don't get my wrong. I love getting a nut. But the feeling from Domspace is so much different. The few times I have reached it, I was in another world. I was conscious of my surroundings. But I was in a different state of mind prior to starting the scene.

It is good practice to have aftercare for your submissive/bottom. Aftercare ranges from attending to the welts, marks, breaks in the skin etc from a scene to holding a sub in your arms after a flogging or whipping. I know from my last experience of sending a sub into subspace, she went to sleep immediately afterwards. She told me she felt cold, I wrapped her in a blanket, gently kissed her on the forehead, stroked her hair as she drifted off to sleep. Sometimes you need to hold the sub in your arms. Gently rocking her. Kissing away the tears. Gently rubbing and caressing the bruises and welts. Whatever it is, after care is crucial to a scene and sub. But what about aftercare for a Dom?

Unless you have another sub/bottom/slave at your disposal, the Dom is usually left out on aftercare if your sub goes into subspace. Yea I know, sux doesn't it? Yes it does. Damn it, I want my aftercare. Ahhh but, now you see how sex isn't always required for a scene. I might not get a "nut" in the actual sense, but the release my mind and body gets from Domspace is better then the actual orgasm itself. It all is dependent on the scene and what takes place in this scene. Thinking back in all of my blog entries to date, I don't mention much sex. First, I am not going into the juicy XXX rated details. I will leave that to your imagination. Second, many of the times I have posted about, no sex took place. By choice, not because I am celibate. But because I already achieved my euphoric orgasm. If there is such a thing.

My final thought is this. It is possible to have a BDSM relationship without sex. It could be a prenegotiated thing or it is not required in the scene. Don't get me wrong. I love sex. I love getting blowjobs. I love "busting a nut". I love it all. But if a scene takes me to the right place, sex is not required. For me this lifestyle is as much, if not more mental then physical. I have always said I require mental stimulation more so then physical. That's me. You might be different. Great. Good for you. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, or even be on the same wagon as me.

Again, I value feedback from you. The more feedback I receive, the more frequent the posts. I would LOVE to live this lifestyle 24/7. But life happens to get in the way.

Such is life.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

Patience

Last night I went to bed simply wore out. Not only was yesterday a mentally tiring day with work, but I did some volunteer work that didn't allow me to get home until almost 11pm. After waking up at 4:30 yesterday morning, I was asleep before I could pull the covers over my body in bed. Work was busy, stressful and hectic yesterday. Every time I turned around there was another small crisis to take care of. I would be on the phone, have one on hold, cell phone would ring, emails to be answered, employees asking questions...... At the end of the evening as I was driving home I reflected on the day. Mistakes I made and things that were accomplished. Yesterday I felt I was pulled in 5 million different directions. Driving home last night, I truly wished I had a foot slave at home so I could receive a much earned foot rub.

I say this because we all have stress in our lives. Many of us have families that we support and care for. Many of us have lives outside of this lifestyle. We have responsibilities. House payments, mouths to feed, bills to pay etc. I know several people who turn to this lifestyle as an out, as a stress reliever to their day. I am not questioning your reason for being in the lifestyle. It is your choice. Just as it is my choice why I am in the lifestyle. Whatever it is, we share a lot of the same thoughts and ideas. We even differ on opinions.

I do my best to not allow my stress effect my thoughts and actions in this lifestyle. I exercise what I like to call the 24 hour rule. The 24 hour rule allows me to sleep on it, reflect, replay it in my head and go over the possible solutions. Sometimes I react on emotion and have the right solution the first time. Sometimes I don't have the right solution and it makes the issue worse then it is. I remember being a teenager and pushing my mom to do something I wanted to do. I was so excited, couldn't wait, "Lets go mom!" But after it was over, it was a let down. Turns out it wasn't as exciting or thrilling as I thought. The outcome differed from what I wanted it to be. It has taken me a long time, but I have learned to use a lot of patience. A LOT!!!!! Oh I still get anxious and sometimes over react to something. I am human.

I know it is hard to hear someone say, "be patient". I understand that. But when you think about it after the fact, many times you kick yourself and realize you could and should have been patient. Life sux. Life is full of disappointments. The sooner you learn to live and deal with that, the easier things can and will become. I used the be the type to get excited and expect things to happen when I did something. Maybe it was a first date with a woman, expecting to start a relationship only to be let down because the chemistry wasn't there. I firmly believe in maintaining a positive attitude. if you believe it is going to happen it will. But that is a broad statement. Its different if you maintain a positive attitude that it WILL get better. I WILL find the one I want. Now, instead of expecting something to happen in my favor every time I do something, I just go into everything with the attitude, "Whatever happens happens." Meaning if it is meant to be it will happen. Might not be today or tomorrow, but it will happen. No expectations, and with no expectations, there is no let down because you have not gotten your hopes and dreams up.

I am not directing this post at any one person. Do not think that I am. This is my opinion. My thoughts. If it causes you to become emotional and want to strike out, lash out, get upset etc, then by all means exercise the 24 hour rule. Reread this post many times. Then come to me and discuss it. Everything in life happens for a reason. Many times we love the reason that it happened. But also, many times we do NOT like the reason. Again, life is full of disappointments. You need to start getting used to it. This post is not a reflection as to what is going to happen. This post is a reflection of what HAS happened.

My final thought is this. Life is what you make of it. Your actions in the past can and will determine your future. What is the past is the past. You can not change it. The future is uncertain. We are not promised tomorrow. Live for today, learn from the past and prepare for the future.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.

What makes the best submissive?

Last night I had dinner with a new friend. We have been emailing and texting for a few weeks now. I heard she has magical hands and is a certified massage therapists. So, me being one to make myself feel good, I inquired about a massage for myself and my wife. Our schedules finally had an open time so we decided to meet. We enjoyed good food and great conversation. We even talked about which patrons and waitresses would be fun to play with.

During our conversation we got on the subject of submissives. We talked about how important communication is. Being open minded to others and their wants and needs. Even discussed personal preferences in women. I love talking with bisexual/lesbian women and comparing notes about women in general. One of her comments hit the nail on the head. The best submissive is one who can Dominate themselves. I am hearing a lot of "HUH?'s" and see people scratching their heads. Let me elaborate on this.

The best submissive is one who knows what he/she wants. Knows how to express themselves. Understands how important communication is. The best submissive is one who can control themselves without constant guidance from another. The best submissive is not meek, unsure, or even afraid. The best submissive is the one who will speak up, stand up, and stand out without the help of another. The best submissive is one who can Dominate themselves.

I am not saying that they tie themselves up, spank their own ass or even deny themselves an orgasm. Stop thinking like that. Open your eyes and your mind for a moment. Ask any Dominant and majority, if not all will tell you that they seek a submissive that is able to make decisions on their own, in the best interest of their Dominant without said Dominant there. Many times I hear from others who are submissives,"I am not a doormat, do not want to be treated as one." Good. Stand up for yourself. Don't let someone push you around. I, myself, don't want a submissive who is a doormat and allow others to push her around. I love a submissive who has a backbone. I want a strong submissive. Not a weak minded one.

Dominating them self is about exercising self control. Don't get me wrong. I love a submissive who can beg effectively. I love a submissive who is creative and manipulative. Although, I have yet to find one who can out manipulate me. Anyone want to give it a shot? I have a fear that too many of you reading this are confusing this with sex in some sort. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking mental and emotionally. Two things that many people forget about in this lifestyle. Exercise self control in the aspect of going after what you want and need. Do not settle for anything less. There is nothing wrong with being impatient. But look back on past experiences. The times you were impatient, what happened? Did it end in failure? Did it cause you grief? Again, the best submissive is one who can Dominate them self.

I have learned that the best submissive is one who can be open with their wants and needs. They are able to communicate effectively and openly. They are completely honest at all times. Many times I ask a potential new submissive to keep a written journal that I will read. In that journal it is an open and free area for them to write about anything they want to without fear of being punished for expressing their thoughts. For those who have a hard time communicating, it is easier for them to keep this journal and have learned to express themselves. In order to fully give themselves to another, they must first be able to Dominate themselves.

No many of you are probably thinking, "I am a shitty submissive then." Wrong. I am not saying you are. Maybe you haven't come across the right Dominant. Maybe you have the wrong attitude. If you are going to constantly talk negative, you will never grow in this lifestyle. Keep a positive attitude and good things will happen. Everyone in this lifestyle is different. This is my opinion I am sharing with others. I am sure some of you have different opinions from me. That's great. If you wish to share that opinion, I would love to read it. Please feel free to comment at anytime on this. Either comment on the blog, or email me directly.

My final thought is this. At the end of the day we are all equal in someway in this lifestyle. Always follow the golden rule of treat others the same way you want to be treated. Be true to yourself. Don't sugar coat it or lie to yourself in order to please another. Be the best you can be at all times. You never know who is watching and observing. I am ALWAYS watching and observing. The best submissive is one who can Dominate them self.

Me
I will inflict the pain, but I will kiss away the tears.